At the risk of sounding like an old hag, let’s rewind our minds back a few years and remember what being a kid was like on a gorgeous Saturday morning. Unlike my peers, I personally was always up at a decent hour (around 7:30 a.m.). After crawling out of my Ninja Turtle sheets (I wasn’t your typical eight-year-old girly-girl), I would make my way to the dimly lit kitchen and help myself to a bowl of cereal and whatever readily available juice box (preferably Hawaiian Punch or Ecto Cooler) my fridge held that morning.
I would gather my morning sustenance, grab my metal TV tray, and head to the living room, where our mammoth of a television set stood, ready to seize the day with the start of some of the greatest goddamn must-see-TV (to the mind of an eight-year-old in the early Nineties, at least), especially, for a horror geek such as myself, the abundance of horror-themed cartoons.
Thems were the days, eh? Of course, I’m not knocking today’s choice of animated programming. However with the exception of Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and Disney, the Saturday mornings we once knew, which were filled from channel to channel including basic networks with a variety of choices to waste your time on, are pretty much non-existent today. And although I hate to be pessimistic, I’m fairly certain it’s going to stay that way.
I do have a bit of a pipe dream here however. A dream that one day, some of that beautiful nostalgia I love to revisit now and again will once more become a weekend staple for giant nerds such as myself and for a new generation to feast thine eyes upon in all its glory. Hell, I’ll even take it as prime time programming, “cough-cough” Adult Swim. Either way, these five horror-themed cartoons in particular need to make a comeback in the worst of ways to reclaim their mighty thrones as Cartoon Kings.
5. Toxic Crusaders
In 1984, the fine folks over at Troma catapulted Toxie into cult fandom with the release of one of their finest, The Toxic Avenger. Oh yes, the film that gave a hero to janitor geeks everywhere and had the balls to (over)kill a kid, eventually got a Saturday morning slot in 1990. Can you imagine the pitch to make this an animated series geared towards children in a network meeting room? I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that stunning conversation.
Anyway, in lieu of the grotesque humor associated with the Troma film, Toxie was toned down considerably for his animated series. Of course, there was the occasional adult satire that usually flew right over a kid’s head, but what cartoon by today’s standards doesn’t include that? The frail and wimpy health club janitor turned super-mutant by a clumsy mishap with a drum of toxic waste teams up with his trusty pet mop and band of equally ridiculous crusaders in a fight against Dr. Killemoff and Czar Zosta from the polluted planet of Smogula who intend to toxify the planet. As with most retro cartoons, the series encrypted a “very special message” inside the episodes as being eco-conscious. Unfortunately, the series only ran 13 episodes. I suppose Captain Planet and his wimpy Planeteers had the larger following, but we can all agree Toxic Crusaders had the more metal theme song.
4. Tales from The Cryptkeeper
I don’t know a single person who doesn’t harbor a weird love for “Tales from the Crypt” and its ghoulish host, The Cryptkeeper. As a matter of fact, let’s keep it that way because I certainly don’t need that kind of negative bullshit in my life. Such as with “Toxic Crusaders,” whoever looked at the violently adult nature of the late night HBO program and decided to make it kid-friendly, kudos for your large set of balls. You’re a scholar and a gentlemen, and there shall be songs written about you. Of course again, the material was watered down considerably for the younger audience, and children were the heroes of the series with The Cryptkeeper introducing a new tale each week. John Kassir returned to voice ‘Keeper in the series that debuted in 1993, while in the second season we got to see the old EC Comics’ Vault Keeper and the Old Witch, both rivals of The Cryptkeeper, fighting for a host spot on the show, only to be outsmarted by him in each episode. The show took a five-year break and returned with a final season in 1999, entitled “The New Tales from The Cryptkeeper,” but that’s the last we saw of the animated spin of the series. While I’m curiously excited for a brand new “Tales from the Crypt” from M. Night to make its appearance, I would also love to see take this animated series take another run in the right direction.
3. Gargoyles
Making its debut a week before Halloween in 1994, “Gargoyles” was immediately something different. Hard to believe a series that thrives on deep storytelling set on the heels of Goth culture came from Disney?! Then again, have you seen The Black Cauldron? Maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised. The plot was fairly simple. A group of magical guardians, the Gargoyles, are the protectors of an ancient castle in medieval Scotland. The humans betrayed the Gargoyles and placed a curse upon them to remain stone to the tune of: “They’ll be stone until the castle rises above the clouds.” Of course this curse happens to be broken almost 1,000 years later on top of New York City’s tallest building, awakening the Gargoyles, and the creatures eventually continue their guardian duties in their curious and new environment. At the time, there really was no other series like this, animated or not, and I personally feel the show is completely underrated merely due to its Disney association.
2. The Real Ghostbusters
Admit it. As soon as you heard the glorious Ray Parker, Jr., tune and saw Rowan marching down the street to the tune we all know and love, you got up and started dancing. Or maybe that was just me… Don’t judge me, man. I recently bought the first season on DVD for my six-year-old (okay, for me as well) and introduced my already Ghostbustin‘ crazed child to its animated counterpart. And it still holds as an enjoyable and fun-filled cartoon that both young and old can appreciate. Watching the show once more while sipping on the newly re-released Ecto Cooler brought me back to those Saturday mornings from childhood. Of course, if they were to revamp the series now, it would most likely be with the new crew, and as someone who didn’t think the 2016 film was horrible, I could roll with that.
1. Beetlejuice: The Animated Series
The animated series that followed a year after the original film made its theatrical release is without a doubt, to my mind, the coolest cartoon show this era ever produced. Tim Burton developed his bio-exorcist character into Saturday morning gold with Danny Elfman returning to score the music as well. The series remained faithful to the wild imagination of the film while setting it apart with most of the show taking place in Beetlejuice’s home of the wacky Neitherworld. The void felt by the absence of Barbara and Adam was filled with new characters, the neighbors of the ghost with the most, who furthered BJ’s awesome sense of sarcasm, with most of them being both clumsy and easy to poke fun at. The relationship between Lydia Deetz and BJ in the series, unlike the film, was as close as friends could get and remained a constant crucial part of the show throughout the series run from 1989-1991. What I wouldn’t give for a revival of this beautiful program. Don’t you agree?