Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Body Building with Gross Anatomy
Thanks to the breakout success of the first season, second two was able to air less than a year afterward, stuffed full of stars within 18 episodes—the longest of the series. With a solid, healthy budget and mid-to-big-name actors being attracted to a high-profile HBO project that required a short filming time, Tales from the Crypt was poised for continued success. What could have easily been a gimmicky one season experiment became as respected as it was not only fun to watch, but a big part of the draw was also how it stayed open to experimentation.
The A-list producers understood that comedy and the rare chance to see movie stars in new television projects, often acting completely against type, was as big as a draw to audiences as top-shelf gore effects and scary stories that appealed to multiple demographics. Like the first season, all three of these first episodes of the season aired on one Saturday night, which was brilliant for drawing viewers in with event television. With that in mind, let’s see how last season’s favorites and a new class of cool ghouls handle a full-sized season of scintillating scares…
Season 2, Episode 1: “Dead Right” based on Shock SuspenStories #6
Director: Howard Deutch
Written by: Andy Wolk
Originally aired: April 21, 1990
Director and writer horror pedigree: Howard Deutch returns after last season’s “Only Sin Deep.” Here he does bring a bit of a slapstick and slapdash feeling to some of the scenes, but the overall tone and twist are much darker than last season’s “the dangers of vanity” parable.
Andy Wolk wrote this episode, but he’s better known for directing some real chillers, like Pizza My Heart and The Christmas Shoes. Ok, so he’s mostly known for family films and directing numerous TV shows, but he does return to direct the episode “Spoiled” next season.
Other notables: I love Kate Hodge, she of Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, The Hidden 2 and She-Wolf of London fame, and she has a small but very funny role as Demi Moore’s best friend in this. They share a scene where they vividly fantasize about the death of Charlie (Tambor), which is acted out in and around the cafe they’re eating at in what’s probably the episode’s best scene.
The timing is absolutely perfect for an episode featuring Jeffrey Tambor playing a total creep who literally says “I’m just a guy who can’t take no for an answer,” isn’t it? Well, one of horror’s strengths is its ability to embrace, subconsciously analyze and then cannibalize real-life gruesome events, so let’s look at this episode as a purge.
Cathy (Demi Moore) is a gorgeous young woman (it’s 1990, so Moore was channeling young Elizabeth Taylor and Audrey Horne) at a dead-end job she hates. She dreams of getting rich quick, and on her lunch break, she visits Madame Vorna, a psychic with a reputation for being incredibly accurate. She lets Cathy know that her fortunes will change that day with a new job. When Cathy gets fired and immediately hired as a waitress at a strip club later that day, she returns to Vorna for the real dirt. Now we get the scoop: She’ll marry a man who will die soon after the wedding, and she’ll become rich.
Being armed with this information is the only thing that causes Cathy to give Charlie, a loyal strip club customer, the time of day. Tambor is buried in a fat suit, and he plays up both how unattractive he’s made to look and being a total overbearing creep to a T. She barely stomaches a few dates until he awkwardly proposes. She accepts, immediately asking about a rich uncle, and becomes a doting wife to her disgusting husband. Her wildest dreams soon come true, however, although not in the way she expected.
The ending of this is one of the most brutal of the season, and it’s absolutely unflinching in its violence. “Dead Right” is the kind of episode that stood out to me the most when I snuck episodes in the middle of the night: It’s mean, bloody, and the ending leaves you feeling incredibly uneasy. While Deutch and Wolk won’t ever go down as masters of horror, they mixed a bit of noir in this doomed tale, and it’s a very strong start to the season.
Best Cryptkeeper line: “You see, when Charlie got his just desserts… he ordered seconds!” (cue laughter)
Season 2, Episode 2: “The Switch” based on Tales From the Crypt #45
Director: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Written by: Michael Taav
Originally aired: April 21, 1990
Director and writer horror pedigree: Who would have thought a young man with a funny name from Austria would ever work his way up to directing an episode of Tales from the Crypt? Scary tales can come true, however, and political figure and star of Hercules in New York directed this tale of swapped parts. Schwarzenegger would only direct the Christmas in Connecticut TV movie two years after this before giving up his directing dreams to return to making millions of dollars by being one of the biggest stars in the world. He’s also our first famous face to join the Cryptkeeper in his own home!
I wonder if he and last episode’s Andy Wolk traded any notes on directing Christmas TV movies?
Screenwriter Richard Tuggle is best known for writing the screenplay for Escape from Alcatraz and writing and directing the Clint Eastwood-starring Tightrope. Co-writer Michael Taav had a more prolific career in the lower-budget thriller realm.
Other notables: William Hickey had a long, varied acting career, but viewers of a certain age may recognize his voice best of all as the voice of the evil scientist who created Sally in A Nightmare Before Christmas.
You either have to surrender to “The Switch,” or it will cause you to tear your hair out. This is the first episode of the series from the actual “Tales from the Crypt” comic and not one of its EC siblings, and it’s interesting that it’s one of the most cartoony and least horror-focused ones.
Carlton is a rich old man, and he’s deeply in love (so we’re told and never shown) with Linda, played by Kelly Preston. He wants to propose to her without letting her know that he’s rich, so he knows that it’ll be for love. Instead, she turns him down, and he immediately leaves to start getting intensive plastic surgery to look younger so she says yes. At least it’s not for his money, right?
Piece by piece, Carlton switches parts with the hunky Hans (Rick Rossovich from The Terminator), but it just never quite suits Linda, and each rejection causes him to run for more overpriced surgical mutilation.
“The Switch” employs the bad romantic movie trope of having a plot that would be completely avoided if the two leads had a conversation that lasted longer than 20 seconds. Instead, Carlton hears one single preference from Linda and immediately leaves for expensive surgery. If you don’t accept the absurdity into your heart, it’s hard to get much from this episode.
At its core, however, a lot of episodes of the show glide on conceits like this: plots and characters who are obviously as shallow and silly as a sugar-crazed child, but the “twist” at the end and some of the story beats are so strange that they careen headfirst into them anyway. Despite that, this is a silly and charming episode if you just relax and take it at face-lift value. Schwarzenegger certainly didn’t bring us bone-deep chills here, but the novelty of him directing this makes it a must-watch example of 1990’s pop culture.
Best Cryptkeeper line: “It’s your lucky day, fella. We want to pump YOU up!” (cue laughter with an embalming needle)
Best Arnold line: “C’mon, you want to keep that 90-pound corpse for the rest of your death?”
Season 2, Episode 3: “Cutting Cards” based on Tales From the Crypt #32
Director: Walter Hill
Written by: Mae Woods and Walter Hill
Originally aired: April 21, 1990
Director and writer horror pedigree: The great Walter Hill returns in his second episode of the series, and he had to have a blast with this one. Seeing his trademark ease with action-packed off-kilter dialogue and settings packed into less than half an hour is intense and a hell of a lot of fun.
Mae Woods is interesting in that she predominately worked in producing films with Walter Hill after starting her career as both his and Peter Bogdanovich’s assistant, and her only writing credits are three episodes of “Tales:” two directed by Hill and her final one (one of my favorites! Stay tuned for season 4…) that was directed by John Frankenheimer.
Other notables: The living legend Lance Henriksen is incredibly Lance Henriksen here. If you desperately need a classic Lance performance to get through your day but you’re short on time, his character, Reno, will absolutely deliver for you.
Kevin Tighe is one of those classic “Oh, that guy! I love that guy!” faces. From Road House to Matewan to Newsies, he’s been a classic bully character actor in countless television and movie roles. His IMDB profile is also comfortable in calling him “beefy” in his official bio, and that’s an earned reputation if ever I saw one.
“Cutting Cards” is a favorite of many devoted “Tales” fans, and for good reason. Talk about toxic masculinity: This lesson in it will cost you an arm and a leg!
Reno (Henriksen) is a down on his luck gambler, and he runs into a fellow down on his luck gambler who he has a long, unpleasant history with, Sam (Tighe). Sam talks an uneasy Reno into making some real, last-chance bets, and soon Russian Roulette escalates into a full-blown civil war.
Their game moves from shouting and aiming guns in the streets to “Chop Poker.” Let me tell you, kiddies, I live in the land of gambling, and I’ve never seen stakes this high. (Steaks, though, you can still find a great deal on those if you’re willing to eat them at a small casino at 3 a.m. I’m certain this information is as off-topic as it is useful.)
Some people will give you a lot of lip service about risking life and limb, but these surly gents really deliver the goods, knuckle by knuckle and limb by limb. The chemistry between Henriksen and Tighe, which veers from shouting, violent anger to hyper-testosterone-protective comradery, is a blast to watch. All of this carries us to one of my favorite Tales endings: extreme but funny in a way that sells an insane ending with sheer audacity.
Best Cryptkeeper line: “You know kiddies, after a night of slithering through the sickening slime of my crawly crypt, I take a tip from the Marquis de Sade: He likes to unwind with a little red hot poker!” (cue laughter)
Based in the incredibly down-to-earth city of Las Vegas, NV, Stephanie Crawford is a freelance writer and co-host on The Screamcast. You can follow her hijinks on Twitter @scrawfish
Categorized:Editorials Exhuming Tales From The Crypt
