EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: The Secret of Television Terror
We did it, kiddies! We’ve covered season two with a solid six feet of high-quality, artisanal dirt. We laughed, we cried, we died, and then did it all over (and over) again. We’ve faced zombies, dismemberment, psychopaths and ventriloquist dummies with a smile. So what’s our coda for such a delightfully deadly season? Such putrid pieces of televised tragedy? Well, we have two of the best episodes in the whole season in my humble opinion, and one last goofy one starring a horror legend.
It’s exactly what our dearly departed season two would have wanted, so let’s grab our shovels and pay our last respects.
Season 2, Episode 16: “Television Terror” based on Haunt of Fear #17
Director: Charles Picerni
Written by: Randall Jahnson
Originally aired: July 17, 1990
Director and writer horror pedigree: Charlie “Charles” Picerni directed 2009’s action-horror film The Bleeding. Much more interesting than that, however, is the fact that he’s been a stunt artist and coordinator for over 5 decades, starting with The Untouchables TV show and continuing to work in the field now. In his 80s. I don’t think I have to tell you that he’s cooler than us all.
Randall Jahnson has an interesting place in Tales from the Crypt history, but I’ll get more into that when we get to his later episode, “King of the Road.” More recently, he wrote Zombie Day Apocalypse, a clever short film that shows both his sense of humor and horror is still intact.
He also wrote Oliver Stone’s The Doors film, which I only bring up because there’s a Jim Morrison joke in this episode, and I feel he was purging that experience a bit here.
Other notables: Composer J. Peter Robinson would continue on to score three more Tales episodes. Some of the genre work in his massive career includes Wes Craven’s Vampire in Brooklyn and Nightmare Cafe, Kindred: The Embraced, Eerie, Indiana, The Wraith and Return of the Living Dead II.
Does it deliver?: This episode is truly Tales from the Crypt firing on all cylinders. Morton Downey Jr. plays Horton Rivers, a play on both his own rancid reputation as a TV provocateur and Geraldo Riveria’s ill-fated 1986 special on opening Al Capone’s vault (which is even referenced in the episode!) Aired live, Horton Rivers and a crew that can’t even pretend to hide their hatred for him enter a notorious “haunted house” where actual murders took place. Their expectation to spice up a lot of nothing gets upturned when it turns into a REAL house of horrors, with corpses in bathtubs, bleeding doors, and even the crew getting knocked off by the current residents. Be careful what you wish for when you ask for killer ratings!
Downey’s show ended exactly a year before the airing of “Television Terror,” and while it might have been a surprise for viewers to see him on a scripted show, it was a pretty clever way to keep his face and reputation front and center during a transitory period in his strange career. This episode reveled in the then-current trash TV phenomenon, and as someone who appreciates things being “dated” so we get a real sense of pop culture in their respective time periods, I appreciate the occasional episode that eschews the timeless morality tale for something a little dirtier.
I also couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite ghost movies, Ghostwatch, which would air on BBC television two years later and use a similar “television crew in a haunted house” plot. 2013’s WNUF Halloween Special would also take an ultra-fun and unique stab at this framing device, which I’m clearly a sucker for. While ghost hunting shows are a dime a dozen these days, it was a fresh idea at the time, and it’s so tightly paced and well-orchestrated that it still feels fresh today. Short (this one clocks in at about 20 minutes!) and brutal, this one is an ideal choice for an episode to air during a Halloween mini-marathon.
Best Cryptkeeper line: “No wonder he’s such a hit on live… or is it dead?… TV!”
Season 2, Episode 17: “My Brother’s Keeper” based on Shock SuspenStories #16
Director: Peter S. Seaman
Written by: Jeffrey Price
Originally aired: July 24, 1990
Director and writer horror pedigree: Seaman and Price return for their last episode for the series following “For Cryin’ Out Loud” earlier this season.
Other notables: Our love interest in none other than the luminous Jessica Harper, star of Suspiria, Phantom of the Paradise, Shock Treatment, and so much more. She brings her signature wry, classy-yet-warm charm to one of the more ridiculous Tales… tales. Harper has always excelled in being a grounding force while absurd plots crackle around her, and making eyes at Timothy “Son of a Beach” Stack when he’s attached to Jonathan “Fright Night” Stark definitely qualifies.
Does it deliver?: The success of “My Brother’s Keeper” will wholly depend on how you feel about the goofier episodes in general. With a soundtrack that sounds like it’s actively mocking a soap opera, this tale of conjoined brothers relies on The-Odd-Couple-but-in-hell scenarios more than anything truly horrific. Frank is the straight-laced Elizabeth Wakefield twin who’s afraid of being alone if they take on the risky, 50/50 success rate surgery to separate him from his brother. Eddie, or the Jessica Wakefield, is the hard-partying brother who thinks the mortality rate risk is more than worth it to not be a “freak” any longer. Along comes Marie, a lovely, intelligent woman that Frank instantly falls in love with. Will he risk it all for supposed true love, or will things get a little messy between our stuck together Cain and Abel?
“You fall in love and I get a boner.” This episode is as broad as it is simplistic. There’s a lot of fun moments (namely Harper and Stack trying to have a conversation about their relationship while Stark is with a dominatrix hooker right next to them) but the goofiness factor is up to 11, and it drowns out pretty much everything else. Despite the fun of seeing Jessica Harper on the show, this one feels like a filler episode. The twist at the end is fun, however. Although you’ll see it coming, it has that tasty EC Comics “uneasy justice” feel to it that’s pretty satisfying.
Best Cryptkeeper line: “Are you alone tonight? Well consider yourself lucky: There could be two of you, and consider what a frightmare that could be!”
Season 2, Episode 18: “The Secret” based on Haunt of Fear #24
Director: J. Michael Riva
Written by: Doug Ronning
Originally aired: July 31, 1990
Director and writer horror pedigree: J. Michael Riva only had an episode of Amazing Stories to add to this directing credit, but his main career was as a production designer, so it’s no surprise that this is one of the best looking Tales from the Crypt episodes thus far. His credits include Halloween II, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, Iron Man and Scrooged. Sadly, he passed away months before the release of his last film, Django Unchained.
Doug Ronning’s only two credits belong to Tales from the Crypt! Now that’s dedication.
Other notables: Legendary character Larry Drake returns from his terrifying turn as Santa in “All Through the House” to play the friendly butler Tobias.
Grace Zabriskie is probably best known for her work in Twin Peaks, but she’s also appeared in The Grudge (American), Child’s Play 2 and Galaxy of Terror.
Does it deliver?: 1000% This might be one of the purest episodes when it comes down to melding a great classic set-up, interesting characters and a twist that pays off beautifully. Poor young Theodore is a sweet kid, but he’s no longer a toddler, and it’s making it hard for him to get adopted from the orphanage he’s stuck at. One day, however, the rich and seemingly generous Colberts adopt him. Swept up in a world of toys and endless desserts, the only drawbacks are that his loneliness leaves him only the butler as a friend, and his new parents are clearly hiding something. Nocturnal schedules, whispered secrets… what’s a kid got to do to get a break around here?
There are vampires, werewolves and Larry Drake in this episode. It’s pure, spooky nostalgia in tone while delivering delicious horror tropes, and it’s a perfect send-off for season two.
Best Cryptkeeper line: “As one cow said to the other as they head off to slaughter: Till next we MEAT!” (Please don’t miss the opening’s copious amounts of Charles Dickens jokes, though. They’re too good to spoil!)
The second season cemented the strength this creepy little show had. While big-name talents would only be paid scale (about $15,000 at the time when people like Arnold Schwarzenegger were making millions per movie the same year), huge stars were still attracted in droves. The mix of being able to play in the genre with a short, fast commitment with a guaranteed wide viewership with no additional work on their end was absolutely irresistible to a parade of creatives.
The quick turnaround and large number of stories also opened up opportunities to lesser-known talents, which helped create that strange alchemy that worked so well for the show. As Howard Deutch told the Los Angeles Times in 1990, “I mean, having done three (feature) films, I can tell you that this is totally no-holds-barred. There’s a big support system. They’ve arranged it so there’s a net there, and they let you fly out as far as you can go. And it’s some pretty weird, sick stuff.”
Tales from the Crypt was a huge hit with critics as well as audiences during the second season, even leading to the “Cutting Cards” episode screening at the American Film Institute the year of its release. It’s so rare to capture popularity and respect both within and outside the entertainment industry, and it’s rarer still that a horror property was able to achieve that. It could even be argued that the comedic aspects of the show helped make way for acclaimed comedies like Dream On and The Larry Sanders Show soon after by showing HBO that audiences were ready for clever shows that played around with traditional television formatting.
When revisiting these episodes, I appreciated even more what a delightful buffet it is. While there are the dependable morality tales throughout the majority of the stories, the huge variety of settings and story styles that were explored in a single season is kind of magical. It’s special to find so much fun and respect for horror in a single spot, let alone a successful television show that lasted for seven seasons, and that’s what makes this column so enjoyable for me to write.
So gear up, kiddies. Season two is dead and buried, but season three’s bony fingers are already rapping on the door! It’s one of my very favorites and takes even more creative chances, including one of the most respected and experimental episodes of the series. So take a breather while you can: We’ll be resurrecting our dear Cryptkeeper sooner rather than later…
Based in the incredibly down-to-earth city of Las Vegas, NV, Stephanie Crawford is a freelance writer and co-host on The Screamcast. You can follow her hijinks at House of a Reasonable Amount of Horrors and on Twitter @scrawfish
Categorized:Editorials Exhuming Tales From The Crypt
