5 Horror Films From 1991 I’d Rather Live Through Than ‘Terminator 2’
Terminator 2: Judgement Day is the film of 2023. This reality really sucks. The 1991 James Cameron opus, unfortunately, accurately predicted the biggest realities of the present year. The rise of artificial intelligence, indiscriminate mass shootings, guns everywhere, untrustworthy cops, governments resisting any type of resistance, not believing women, Arnold Schwarzenegger warning us about going down a path of hate, the continued popularity of Guns N’ Roses, CG everything in most every big budget motion picture, etc. In no way is this good. Well, that’s not entirely true. It’s cool that Public Enemy is getting a lot of love during the 50th anniversary of hip-hop’s year-long celebration. But other than that, everything from T2 and our current reality is all bad.
Terminator 2 is not technically a horror film. It’s not supposed to be that scary! But it’s the scariest film! The groundbreaking action and sci-fi flick broke boundaries on many levels. Maybe the most important isn’t actually the special effects, merchandising (there were so many toys and other ephemera targeted towards kids based on this apocalyptic story! I was T-800 for Halloween in 1992! I was 9! WTF!), or catchphrases. The important aspect of the film is the reality of Skynet. Skynet now exists. Great.
We are living through a film from 1991. It’s a scary film. Here are 5 horror films from 1991 that I’d rather live through than Terminator 2: Judgement Day.
Cape Fear
I would 100% roll the dice taking on one maniac in New Essex, Massachusetts than two terminators in a Los Angeles that seems indifferent to explosions. All you really need to do to escape from Sam Bowden (played by Robert DeNiro) is not be his lawyer or related to his lawyer. Since I’m lawyer-free, I have no issues with this dude. Sure, a maniac stalking any family isn’t a great look, but he’s not going to tear down society as we know it because his programming tells him to do so.
Also, I want more of Martin Scorsese’s direction in my life. Sure, what Cameron achieves with special effects is jaw-dropping, but human emotion is lacking. Of course, this is great for films like Terminator 2, but even if you do somehow escape the inevitable rise of the machines, what kind of joy is there? It’s like, who would ever benefit from something that’s utilized to suck all of the joy and frivolity out of creation like ChatGPT?
Child’s Play 3
Set in a military school, Child’s Play 3 does have some scary realities. Blindly following orders is always a frightening proposition. Add in a serial killer doll and things are going to get even more uncomfortable. But come on, the film’s official title is Child’s Play 3: Look Who’s Stalking and that’s just fun! Hell, I’d rather live in the Child’s Play 3 reality than the Look Who’s Talking universe!
Also, it’s way easier to deal with one serial killer doll with a knife than hundreds of thousands of rounds of bullets fired by machines. Like drones. 2023 sucks, dude.
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare
The beginning of the end for Freddy? Ha! Of course not! There is no end in the saga of Freddy Krueger and there never should be! Live/die/dream forever on Elm Street! Freddy is great because his gimmick only works if you believe in stuff like dreams and souls. Any parent of a newborn can tell you you’re not going to be dreaming very much during the kid’s first year of life. The sleep you get is so rare and disjointed that it’s damn near impossible to get into an REM state. So if you’re a dreamer, just have a kid or help raise a kid and you won’t sleep. Freddy solved. And if you’re a true atheist, there ain’t so soul. So Freddy is just some wisecracking dude with a sense of good fashion.
Also, Freddy’s jokes and quips are actually funny, unlike the dude who bought Twitter, can’t remember the guy he’s talking to, and has no problem chatting up conspiracy theorists. Billionaires should not own social media platforms.
Nekromantik 2
Alright, this one may not be as fun as Cape Fear, Child’s Play 2, or Freddy’s Dead, but who amongst us isn’t at least interested in living through a film so controversial it was seized by German authorities 12 days after its release? Germany! Anyways, it’s a movie about necrophilia. That’s about it. But the thing about this film about having sex with the dead is there’s some acceptance of sex with the dead. And that’s…good? Bad? I don’t know. You be you, man. Just don’t murder? But there is a murder and decapitation and some disturbing stuff but it’s literally all on the poster. You know what you’re getting. Truth in advertising is nice, even if you don’t like what they’re selling.
Also, if you don’t want to get into necrophilia, don’t! It’s optional, even in Nekromantik 2! You know what’s not optional, the rise of AI.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
I do not want to live in Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker. At all. This would not be fun for anyone. But it seems like an isolated issue. You know who the bad guy is? The Toy Maker. Stay away from that dude and you’ll be fine. You know who the bad guy is in Terminator 2/2023? Seemingly everyone.
Also, toys aren’t in every aspect of your life. You know what’s informing every aspect of your day in 2023? The toys, the goddamn machines in all of our pockets.
Thanks for reading. Please share on your favorite social media platform and hopefully by the time another person reads this ChatGPT won’t be ‘smart’ enough to wipe all of our jobs away.
Categorized:Editorials
