8 Monsters That Make You Go, “Now, Here Me Out…”
I just recently watched Habit and Your Monster. While both are beautiful films in their own rights that offer plenty to say about the human condition, it left me pondering an age-old question: Is it an appropriate time to celebrate monster fuckers? That’s right—this is another weird streaming guide coming to upset your weekend.
I’m not talking about people who only support all the sexy people AMC employs for Interview with the Vampire. I am not even here for those who watched Hellboy and wondered what exactly can the Right Hand of Doom do. This is for the folks who have noticed Godzilla never misses leg day. It’s for those who find it impossible to ignore that King Kong is caked up. If this is you, then get in!
We’re playing Smash or Pass with eight iconic horror monsters.
Alien (dir. Ridley Scott)
Where You Can Watch: Hulu
A commercial spacecraft brings aboard a deadly lifeform. Hear me out…Mother Xenomorph (Bolaji Badejo) was tall, deliberate, and no-nonsense. That is a type many of us are attracted to even before we watch how she moves. That’s the reason Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) kept beefing with this lifeform across several sequels. She realized she was too hasty when she killed the queen and wanted a do-over. I clocked this because I would also choose a weirdly sexy space monster over men. I’m sad she never found her ultimate soulmate, and I mourn the sci-fi couple we were robbed of. I would’ve watched those two have sexy space adventures for decades.
The Babadook (dir. Jennifer Kent)
Where You Can Watch: AMC+, Netflix, Plex, Pluto TV, The Roku Channel, Shudder, and Sling TV
A monster manifests in the home of a single mother and her difficult child. I know on an intellectual level that The Babadook is a mediation on motherhood and grief. However, on a thirst level, I do not care. I think this icon had us all Babashook because they are full of surprises. They’re also obsessed with you and want to tell you a story while pacing your ceilings at night. I’m also here for the old-timey outfits to try and hide just how shapely Babs is. There is a reason momma keeps them in the basement for later, and I’ll give you one guess why. Babadook-dook-dook indeed, friends!
Hellraiser (dir. Clive Barker)
Where You Can Watch: AMC+, Pluto TV, Prime Video, and Tubi
A woman attempts to resurrect her brother-in-law and lover by killing people to revitalize him. It scans that many boxes are opened in these movies because the Cenobites are a sexy squad. Each one is clad in leather, with most of them packing big dominatrix energy, and all of them are focused on getting the job done. Their job? Ripping men apart at the gates of hell, which only makes them sexier. Most of us were already listening before they shared their slogan, “We have such sights to show you.” No wonder this is one of Clive Barker’s most popular franchises. I recommend double-featuring it with the arguably sexier reboot led by Jamie Clayton.
It (dir. Andrés Muschietti)
Where You Can Watch: Max
A group of outcasts band together to defeat a shape-shifting monster preying on children in their small town. When I told my friends I was putting Pennywise on this list, they asked me which one, and I replied both, and at the same time. However, I decided to give this slot to Bill Skarsgård because his clown was a little creepier. Also, Bill has the sharpest cheekbones in the history of faces and he comes alive when playing weird characters. This is why I would’ve also considered climbing into that sewer with him. Had he spared me, I would have joined the squad for the return trip 27 years later because I would still be carrying the torch.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (dir. Stephen Chiodo)
Where You Can Watch: AMC+ and Prime Video
Alien clowns land in a small town and terrorize the community. This is a B-movie where the B stands for booty. Many of these clowns have dump trucks, which explains why they walk so funny. As a kid, I assumed it was because of the clown shoes. However, when I revisited as an adult, I realized it is because these monsters have Body-ody-ody-ody. It was an uncomfortable revelation, but I’ve made peace with it. I also wonder if this is part of why this Killer Klowns from Outer Space is so beloved. However, it also makes me worry about what some of you get up to while playing the video game.
Legend (dir. Ridley Scott)
Where You Can Watch: VOD
A demon wants to create eternal night by destroying unicorns. There is no world in which 1980s Tim Curry is not going to be on this list. However, the time he decided to be the sexiest horned demon is the role I decided to highlight. He spends most of the movie looking hot and being seductive. I do not understand how this movie got a PG rating, and I assume that Darkness (Curry) caused a lot of confusion. This is the only movie Tom Cruise is in that I can watch because, respectfully, Mr. Curry was a brick house. I would’ve run off with this demonic monster and lived my best life.
Malignant (dir. James Wan)
Where You Can Watch: Max, Peacock, and Pluto TV
A woman suffering from gruesome visions discovers her waking nightmares are actually terrifying realities. Gabriel is agile, athletic, and so bendable that he can literally flip it and reverse it. I’ve spent years wondering what else this person can do upside down and backward. This Akela Cooper creation had many of us excited, and I bet many of us have secretly asked the same questions. It’s not ideal that he shares a body with his sister because she is always going to be around. However, I have seen the dating pool. So I would be willing to see if we could all figure out an arrangement. Also, this monster is ACAB, so we have a few things in common.
Silent Hill (dir. Christophe Gans)
Where You Can Watch: Peacock
A woman and her adopted daughter head to Silent Hill and are separated after a car crash. Obviously, no one is immune to creepy sexy nurses with a knack for hellish choreography. However, what does it for me in this movie, and in the video games, is Pyramid Head himself. Every time I watch him lift that ginormous sword, I’m reminded that I am not a Christian lady. This monster is a silent smoke show that clearly makes time to go to the gym while in purgatory. I prefer it when men don’t speak to me, and I love it when they have goals, so I feel like we could make it work.
I refrained from including monsters with tentacles because my editor would like to know less about me. However, I think about those multiple limbs often. That math keeps me up at night, but I digress. If you are also here for the monster fucker agenda, find me at @misssharai.
Categorized:Editorials Streaming Guides
