If you love zombies, like everyone else, then I’m sure you’ve thought about what you would do when the eventual zombie apocalypse happens. Unfortunately for you, the only place you’ve gotten any ideas is from the movies. The kind of “advice” they spew out in the form of “plot” will make you the best seller on the McZombie dollar value menu before you know it. Basically you’d last about as long in the apocalypse as Lamar Odom’s wallet in a brothel.
Lucky for you, the folks at Escape from Zombies have come together with Dread Central to save your life by identifying 13 zombie movie ideas that totally work in movies but would make you a zombie shish kabob in real life. So, unless your life is a movie, do not try these at home… during the zombie apocalypse, that is.
1. Just act like a zombie… they’ll never know the difference.
See a massive mob of the living dead moseying your way? Just walk like a T-Rex that has Tourette’s and a broken leg, and no one will be the wiser. If you mimic their walk and growl, they’ll think you are one of them.
WRONG! Zombies use their sense of smell to track their prey. They’ll have a more acute sense of smell than we humans have now, and it will be on par with our ancestors who used to fight off cave bears and dinosaurs. Smell is the main reason they can tell each other from humans, and they aren’t eating each other all the time. They’ll sniff you out as a faux zombie within seconds.
2. Cover yourself in zombie gunk so they won’t notice you.
Let’s say during the zombie apocalypse you find yourself inside a building knee-deep in zombie corpses and you need to get out of there and back to your safe house… BUT swarming outside the building at every exit is a horde of those undead bastards. So you decide to grab some freshly dead zombie goo and lather yourself up. You’ll blend in since they use smell and all. You’ll be able to walk among them unharmed.
WRONG! First of all, if you have any open wounds, accidentally get some in your eye, swallow some, or get it too far up your nose, there’s a good chance you just infected yourself in the dumbest possible way. Second, you don’t know if “fresh zombie goo” will even mask the smell enough to turn them away from you. After all, the chances of any place having running water is very low so it’ll have been a long time since you had your last shower, and you know how stinky you get from just a long weekend on the couch doing the new “Let’s watch Netflix and chill” pickup line on that hottie you pretend to know.
3. Splattering the dead without a face mask.
Without a doubt there will come a time where you’ll have no other choice but to fight your way out of a jam. So grab your trusty brains-bashing weapon and scream “Play Ball” as you wade neck-deep in a pool of zombies. Wearing a face mask of course, right? No?
WRONG! Let’s say that you are capable of bashing in a skull with one stroke. Are you also capable of dodging all the muck and grey matter that will come splattering out? Let me answer that for you, speedy… No, you are not. If any of that stuff gets in your mouth, eyes, or too far up your nose, guess what. You’ve just joined Team Zombie without getting bit.
4. Blindly run into a building for supplies.
This is just poor planning on your part and will eventually lead to getting trapped inside where more zombies lay in wait for food delivery. It’s not hard to plan your route out and include a Plan B, C, D, E, or more. Never enter a building without at least knowing where the exits are. Keep in mind that once you are in a building, you should feel free to tear the walls down if you have to. If there’s only one way into a room via a door, there are probably many ways out via a drop ceiling or even knocking a hole through some drywall. They can bill you later for any damage… if “they” even survived the zombie apocalypse.
5. Always run upstairs to make your escape.
If you see that you are getting cornered and you can make it to a stairwell, try your best not to run up. If down is clear, go that way, even if it means you have to knock a few zombies out of your way. The reason is that you can exit to the street a lot easier from the ground floor than you can from any higher floor. Humans just aren’t meant to take a fall from anything higher than the 2nd floor, and even from that level, you risk broken legs and worse. Sure, you can break bones by jumping out of a window on the 1st floor too, but those of you who have that happen probably weren’t cut out for the apocalypse anyway.
6. Never trust the Army.
In nearly every zombie movie the Army ends up being the bad guy. They steal, rape, and pillage over the poor survivors. So if you see them coming, run away as fast as you can.
WRONG! They may be your only chance at survival. The media portray the armed forces as subhuman killing machines who will burn babies without a hint of remorse… during peace time. Well, the media are really not your friend for the most part. They are just trying to get more viewers, and the way they do that is by having the scariest or grossest story on at 11pm. Most people don’t even know that the armed forces do more humanitarian operations than they do killing. Specifically the National Guard, which is Stateside and will always be Stateside. They are the ones that help areas of our country that are declared national emergencies. Much like what a zombie apocalypse would be.
7. Sniping a zombie from far away is easy.
Climb up in the good old book repository (too soon?) and get your trusty old sniper rifle out, huh?
WRONG! You have no idea what snipers actually do before taking a shot. One of the many skills of a modern-day sniper is mathematics. You need to factor in a lot things you aren’t thinking of to hit your target. You’ll have to measure or estimate the range, cross winds, and temperature (yes, even that can throw your trajectory off) and calculate the allowances needed to hit only the head after traveling hundreds of yards or more. Oh, and don’t forget that the zombie apocalypse happened and things are trying to eat you too. You’d be out of ammo before the first bullet missed!
8. Always aim for the head.
So you’re thinking killing a zombie is going to easy, huh? After all, every shot in the movies hits the head perfectly, no matter if it’s a bullet or an arrow… or even a slingshot. No need to practice or anything, right?
WRONG! You will miss and probably die because of it. Now, if you put a target up and have it be around 10 yards away, most of you think you’ll hit it with ease… and you probably will. But add the life and death fear of the zombies coming at you, the adrenaline pumping through you, only a headshot will do, and the fact that there are at least four more coming too. You’ll look like you went to the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy. Don’t even try it with a bow or crossbow either. You’ll be a worse shot with that! Plus, after you pull the string back on a good 70-lb. bow once or twice, your arms will be jelly. You’d honestly be better off throwing the arrow or bullet and yelling “BANG!” real loud.
9. Slicing a zombie’s head off with a sword is easy.
You could probably line four or five zombies up and slice through them all like butter, right?
WRONG! Even if you were to hit the neck and not slap a zombie in its undead shoulder, the neck is full of muscles and connective tissues which are hard to cut through. This is why executioners of old used an axe or scimitar to do the deed. Even with their target’s neck stuck out and completely in a subdued position, some of the “professional” executioners (I’d love add that to my resume) had to swing down multiple times to take the head from time to time.
10. Just stab it in the head with my trusty knife.
Skulls are tough and very hard to penetrate. There’s a reason for that too… it’s so someone doesn’t stick a knife in your head and penetrate your brain. Go try sticking your knife through a piece of 1⁄4” plywood. It’ll take you a few times if you can do it at all. Now try it while the plywood is trying to eat you, and see if you can do it. “Wait a second!” you say. “Zombies are icky and squishy like a squid, much softer than regular folks. I’ve seen it in the movies and TV shows!”
WRONG. If they are all soft and squishy, why are they able to remain upright? Wouldn’t their squishy bones collapse under their own weight? Bones will remain durable after death for a long time. Some estimate that it’ll take 40-50 years before the bones start to get mushy. So if a 50-year-old zombie comes at you, then stab it in the brain. Other than that… run!
11. Set it on fire and watch it burn!
Great idea, pyro! Now you have a mobile fire pit chasing you and burning everything in its path. For god’s sake, don’t lead it back to your house. Actually, if you are dumb enough to set one on fire, then by all means lead it to your safe house and watch it burn… I’ll bring the marshmallows.
12. If you get bit, save yourself by chopping off the infected limb.
One of those nasty boogers snuck up on you and bit you on the foot. What are you going to do? I know… just chop off your foot before the infection runs through you. It’s the only way you’ll survive a zombie bite, right?
WRONG! You’ll still die of blood loss more than likely, and if you do survive, you’ll be a terrible burden on everyone around you and probably will be the cause of a few of them getting killed as they help your sorry butt… or worse, you could ruin their zombie apocalypse experience by whining about it for the rest of your life. Just take what’s coming to you with dignity… and crying and begging and pleading.
13. Always be quiet when you are going inside a new place.
Why? Would you rather sneak inside and then find them… OR make a huge racket at the front door where you can easily see where they are coming from and have enough time to get away or dispatch of the walking walkers? This will give you a clue as to how filled the building is too. If you hear a lot of them coming, then the building is full. Board it up and spray paint “Don’t Dead Open Inside“ on the front door. If there’s not a lot and you can plan it just right, you could pull off the epic Spartan Phalanx defense on them and bottleneck those suckers and have some real fun. I’m sure the Spartans came up with it while making their own zombie apocalypse survival plan.
There you have it, folks. It’s not the only advice you can take on the situation, but it’s good advice and words to survive the zombie apocalypse by. Remember… just because you saw it in a movie doesn’t mean it’ll work in the real world. Now I’m off to find me one of those Sharknadoes to see if I can split it in two with my trusty chainsaw.
“Zombies don’t run. They don’t dance. They don’t say, ‘More brains.’ There is no Thriller Night. Those are stereotypes that are perpetrated by Hollywood, which I think is very irresponsible because it can get you killed.” — Max Brooks, “I’m Just a Zombie Nerd”, Time, July 15, 2010
