Friday the 13th: 13 Questionable Citizens of Crystal Lake

Steve Barton |

Apr 13, 2012

10. Martin the Caretaker (Friday the 13th part VI: Jason Lives)

Here’s another guy who just isn’t very good at his job. Martin thinks he’s “earned” the illustrious gig of presiding over the Eternal Peace Cemetery, and he seems to have built a career out of resting on those laurels.

He’s so stuck in his ways that he won’t even acknowledge the fact he might’ve made a mistake and buried Allen Hawes instead of Jason. He’s not very perceptive, either, considering the body dropped in the coffin is wearing newer clothes than Jason’s old garb. On top of that, he’s a drunkard with a penchant for breaking the fourth wall.

Friday the 13th: 13 Questionable Citizens of Crystal Lake

Big time Friday geeks know that Martin was taking money directly from Jason’s father, Elias, to maintain the masked one’s grave. The subplot was dropped from the script before filming (but was carried into Simon Hawke’s novelization). This knowledge makes Martin’s job performance all the more unsatisfactory: he was paid to give special care to Jason’s grave, and he couldn’t to do that right. You, sir, are a farthead.

9. Ethyl & Junior (Friday the 13th – A New Beginning)

Crystal Lake is still in New Jersey, right? I only ask because these country bumpkins seem better suited for a story of southern-fried clichés. That’s not to infer that white trash can’t exist in New Jersey (there’s an MTV show that consistently proves me wrong), but these two just seem…displaced?

Still, I’m damn glad they’re here. From Ethyl’s “terrorist” threat and her foul mouthed and dubious cooking skills, to Junior’s one-track mind (”He hurt me, ma!”) and awesome leather aviation cap, they’re unforgettable characters AND terrible people. Junior has nothing better to do than to ride around at night and accost people suffering from mental illness, while Ethyl hocks loogies into her own soup and berates homeless people for being ”fuckin’ ugly.”

Their existence begs the ultimate question: how come Jason didn’t take care of them sooner?

8. Abel (Friday the 13th part III)

Ralph was the crazy town drunk, but there’s something seriously wrong with this guy. Abel takes his duties as resident “harbinger of doom” seriously, setting up bunk in the middle of the road so those headed to Crystal Lake have no choice but to stop and hear him out. At least, that’s the most logical reason I can think of. It’s entirely possible (and likely) that he’s just batshit insane and therefore doesn’t know any better than to risk being steamrolled by oncoming traffic.

It’s not really clear whose eyeball he has, either. A victim from part 2? Some unfortunate off-camera fodder? I guess we’ll never know for sure.

A bigger question might be how come we never heard from Abel again? Did Jason finally put him out of his misery, or was he really just passing through? And what’s with all the prophetic doublespeak? Couldn’t he have just said to the kids, ”Hey, don’t go to the lake, I found some dead bodies up there.”

Surely Abel could’ve prevented Chris’ friends from being slaughtered that weekend if he’d been straight with them. Or gone to the police. Whatever happened to him, Part III’s deaths are on him.

MORE questionable characters on the NEXT page!

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