Friday the 13th: 13 Questionable Citizens of Crystal Lake

Steve Barton |

Apr 13, 2012

4. Axel (Friday the 13th – The Final Chapter)

Axel is a genuine sleazebag. He’s the type of guy who’ll put his sandwich down on a fresh corpse just to sign a release form. A guy who leers at overly-eroticized workout videos while seducing a horny nurse. Doesn’t matter that the still-warm body of Jason Voorhees lies spread out behind him, he means business. This is a guy who makes straight-faced jokes about violating the corpse of a butchered young girl.

Friday the 13th: 13 Questionable Citizens of Crystal Lake

This morgue attendant would be reprehensible if he wasn’t so hilarious, but that doesn’t make his unprofessionalism less excusable. It could be his openly dismissive reaction to the Crystal Lake killings that pisses Jason off. I mean, Jason was never more vicious than in The Final Chapter and who can blame him? No one likes being treated this flippantly.

3. Deckhand (Friday the 13th part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)

This guy’s questionable behavior is staggering. He sees a bloody and abandoned boat drift ashore, but he refuses to tell anyone about it. Did the captain see it? What if the boat had floated in front of the bow? It might’ve caused an accident when the Lazarus departed. And like all the other messengers of doom in Friday the 13th, he’s insufferably hazy. Instead of expressing concern before the ship embarks, he makes a cryptic comment to a high school kid and then looks surprised when he’s paid no mind. Hey asshole, why don’t you tell someone that everyone’s in trouble?

I assume a deckhand’s job is to ensure the safety of those on the deck? This guy knows enough to be spooked but doesn’t convey his message very well, putting people in mortal danger. And when people do catch on he’s too stupid to even clarify what he’s talking about. Instead he inadvertently injures the chaperone and runs off, creating the perfect opportunity to be blamed for all of the death aboard the ship. Despite his intentions the only thing the deckhand accomplished was making a bad situation much worse (and needlessly confusing).

2.Duke (Friday the 13th – A New Beginning)

I love this guy. While the residents of Pinehurst are shocked and appalled to see the mutilated corpse of their housemate, Duke (aka Unsympathetic Ambulance Driver) scoffs, blows a bubble and declares them a ”bunch of pussies”. And if that wasn’t enough he turns to his co-worker (who’s transitioning from mild-mannered paramedic to full blown pseudo-Jason) with a laugh and encourages him to get his hands dirty – with the blood of his estranged son.

Chances are Roy Burns was going to snap anyway, but Duke’s appalling lack of empathy couldn’t have helped. True, nobody knew that Joey was Roy’s son, but that doesn’t make Duke’s attitude any better. This guy needed sensitivity training but instead indirectly spurred the highest body count in Crystal Lake history (at that time).

1. Raymond (Friday the 13th – A New Beginning)

Apparently there’s vagrancy in Crystal Lake. This guy, who hasn’t eaten in two days, spends his time wandering onto people’s property looking to trade work for food. He’s proves to be rather untrustworthy as he’s tasked with cleaning the shit out of Ethyl’s chicken coop and instead goes off to spy on promiscuous teenagers.

Yes, Raymond was intended to be one of many red herrings in A New Beginning, but the movie can’t even be bothered to keep him around long enough to arouse suspicion. Instead he’s introduced and then dispatched as an aside a few short scenes later. I’m lead to believe he was just another oddball drifter who just happened to be passing through Crystal Lake during one of its mass murdering sprees, but I’m not sure the series has ever quite produced anyone else as random as this.

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