With the release of Serving Up Richard (review), we decided to dig down deep and remember some of our favorite chefs and cooks throughout the history of horror.
Whether they be chefs of the gourmet variety, or they just threw something (like a boiling bunny) on the stove, the following list of ne’er-do-wells all know their way around a kitchen. And that’s one of the reasons why we love them.
As always, we’ll give you a few honorable mentions to get things going. Glenn Close’s previously referenced character, Alex Forrest, was perhaps not a true chef, but she sure knew how to boil the hell out of a bunny in Fatal Attraction. Crazy gypsy Tadzu Lempke managed to bake a curse right into a pie in Thinner. Not bad, if Nutri-System could somehow get their hands on a pie that makes you thinner, they’d corner the market in the weight loss game! And ragdoll Sally from A Nightmare Before Christmas certainly knew how to cook her way out of captivity. Dr. Finklestein: “Worm’s wart, mmm! And…frog’s breath?”/Sally: “What’s wrong? I-I thought you liked frog’s breath.”/Dr. F.:“Nothing’s more suspicious than frog’s breath!” So she may not have been the best cook when it came to hiding the flavors of her secret ingredients, but she always managed to slip that deadly nightshade in one way or another.
Kakihara- Ichi the Killer
Takashi Miike’s ultra-violent film Ichi the Killer featured some truly intense moments, however, perhaps none more toe-curling than the infamous tempura scene. The psychotic Kakihara was simply trying to glean some information from his buddy Suzuki in the most gentle way he could conceive. That would be by hanging him, Superman style, with hooks pierced through his back. So how does this make him a chef, you may ask? While Suzuki hung there, the multi-talented Kakihara was cooking up a batch of tempura in oil. Then there’s always the problem of what to do with that excess oil. This presented no dilemma at all to Chef Kakihara, as he poured the boiling oil over the pierced back of Suzuki, hoping this little bit of torture would get him the information he needed. This wasn’t the case, as after all that, Suzuki turned out to be the wrong guy. Damn shame, but on the bright side, it did look like a particularly tasty batch of tempura.
Mrs. Lovett- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Never performed in a sexier fashion than when Helena Bonham Carter played the role (we’ve all got a thing for Mrs. Burton, don’t we?), Mrs. Lovett is the ultimate opportunist. Both a businesswoman and a cook, Mrs. Lovett found herself on the wrong side of impoverished London owning a meat pie shop. Unfortunately, due to any number of reasons, there just wasn’t a lot of meat to be had. That is, unless you got creative. Cats were too quick, and running in short supply themselves anyway, so Mrs. Lovett knew just what to do when a dead body showed up at her disposal… “such a nice plump frame/what’s his name has…had…has!” Forming an unlikely and unholy union with the Demon Barber of Fleet Street himself, Sweeney Todd, Mrs. Lovett provided the perfect partner for him. He provided the meat and she made sure all those bodies disappeared while Mr. Todd practiced for his inevitable meeting with dastardly Judge Turpin.
Drayton Sawyer- The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Part 2, Texas Chainsaw 3D
Better known as The Cook, Drayton Sawyer was the brains behind the Sawyer clan as they carved a heinous swath into the annals of Texas crime history. One part father figure, one part comedian (and you can probably make that two parts comic to one part dad for TCM Part 2, Drayton is the man who knows how to take all those bodies his boys come home with and turn them into award-winning chili. The secret, of course, is in the meat, and doesn’t ol’ Drayton know that. He’s got plenty of trophies to show for it. Do be careful when eating a bowl of Drayton’s chili… you never know when you might stumble upon one of them hard-shell peppercorns. Although, like Lord Voldemort, I feel Texas Chainsaw 3D is something that should not be named, one of the really cool things about that movie… well, the one cool thing about that movie… was Bill Moseley returning to Texas to take over the role of Drayton Sawyer in the absence of the now deceased Jim Sideow, who originally played the role. Fine job, Bill. Too bad you couldn’t have played a couple more roles. Maybe wrote the thing too; that might have helped. Anyway, that’s cook extraordinaire Drayton Sawyer! Don’t skimp on the meat!
Hannibal Lecter- The Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Red Dragon, Manhunter, Hannibal Rising, “Hannibal”
Drayton Sawyer knows how to make a mean bowl of chili with the right body parts, but Hannibal Lecter can turn those same giblets into succulent gourmet dishes. Just look at how tasty he cooked up that brain in Hannibal. Officer Paul Krendler couldn’t get enough of his own grey matter. Now that’s good cooking. If you can get someone to eat his own brain, you can sling some hash. And who could forget the legendary liver with the side of fava beans? No, we didn’t get to see it, but we can rest assured that Dr. Lecter cooked it perfectly. Dr. Lecter’s legend only continues to grow. From his initial beginnings in the pages of Thomas Harris’ novels and his introduction in Manhunter (played Brian Cox), Hannibal Lecter has come a long way, and it’s all because of his incredible depth of character and the mystery behind him. And much of that is his penchant for liking the finer things in life… and also the fact that he knows how to sauté brains better than Gordon Ramsey.
Farmer Vincent- Motel Hell
Rory Cahoun was an absolute hoot as Farmer Vincent Smith in this hilarious 1980 horror-comedy. Not only does Farmer Vincent make the best smoked meats in the area, he catches the meat himself. It’s no problem to blow out a front tire or set some booby traps around the property. Next thing you know… bam! You’ve got yourself a new load of prime meat to prepare. Unfortunately, as we learn during Farmer Vincent’s final moments, he was a bit of a hypocrite as he did indeed use preservatives. For shame. We could forgive the garden full of people buried up to their necks in the back yard, but preservatives, really? Cap the movie off with one of the most memorable fight scenes you’ll ever see (it’s not every day two brothers go at it in a chainsaw duel with one of them wearing a giant pig head). As far as chefs go, you’ll have to look far and wide to best Vincent Smith and his sister Ida at the lovely Motel Hell.
Mei- Dumplings
Bai Ling plays the crafty cook Mei in the 2004 film Dumplings. And what’s so special about Mei’s dumplings? Well, for starters they can keep you incredibly young and virile. They are truly a fountain of youth and vigor. Unfortunately, there is a bit of a downside to them. They are made from human fetuses. Yeah, that part is a little tough to swallow. Check out the video below for a look at the entire process, from the procurement of the meat to the finished product… and tell me you’re not curling your toes when she eats that damn thing at the end of the clip. Yikes!
Colonel Ives- Ravenous
One of the most memorable, and unfortunately underrated, cannibal films out there, Ravenous, features Robert Carlyle as F.W. Colqhoun, who becomes Colonel Ives, and Ives definitely cooks himself a mean bowl of stew. Of course the film is based on cannibalism and the wendigo legend with the men receiving incredible power when consuming the flesh of another… and Ives knows how to cook himself some people. Carlyle is so perfect in this dark, dark, dark comedy film. He goes from a nearly feral man to sophisticated military officer with ease, showing just how great he is. But fyi, he does cry when he cuts onions. We felt the short video posted below that we found illustrates the tone and the… ahem… flavor of the film perfectly.
Freddy Krueger- A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
As if giving us the line “Bon appétit, bitch!” isn’t enough, Chef Freddy Krueger delivers one of the most memorable Elm Street kills ever when he appears in A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child. Freddy arrives, in one of his frolicy, fun-time moods, dressed as a chef and grabs pretty, young Greta. Instead of just giving her the ol’ razor fingers treatment, Freddy decides to force-feed her to death, stuffing her own innards into Greta’s face, expanding her cheeks and stomach. She then appears to be choking in her non-dream life. Then somehow she momentarily ends up inside a refrigerator door and then chokes to death in front of her family. Pretty clever, Freddy. Talk about your “Kitchen Nightmares.” Sorry, another Gordon Ramsey reference. Had to be done.
There you have the Top 9 Sinister Chefs. Be sure to check out Serving Up Richard!
Synopsis:
Meet Glory and Everett Hutchins…maybe you’ve already met them. They live in a neighborhood very much like yours, except they have a little secret. Everett (Jude Ciccolella) and Glory (Susan Priver) are active cannibals. Not exactly a Main Street practice today. And their lifestyle presents some practical challenges: like how do you get those necessary provisions?
Meet Richard Reubens…perhaps you’ve met him, too. A mid-level Wall Street investment specialist, Richard (Ross McCall) was transferred to the LA offices under some murky circumstances. In LA everyone needs a car. When Richard answers an ad selling a vintage Mustang, he unwittingly winds up Glory and Everett’s captive in their secret room, in their nice house, in the neighborhood that looks like your neighborhood. And Richard is fated to be the next addition to their unorthodox menu. However…Richard is not a silent lamb about to be led willingly to his own slaughter.
Perceiving Glory as the “weak link,” Richard uses all his Wall Street persuasiveness to break her – creating twists and turns that expose surprising personality traits in Glory which constantly thwart his plans and keep us guessing how it all will end.
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