Back in 1985 I was little more than a rambunctious little shit with a penchant for consuming revolting amounts of Starburst, sneaking constant peeks at my brother’s “hidden” Playboy cache and collecting a personal precursor to horror memorabilia… The Garbage Pail Kids.
They weren’t all just about nasty, over-the-top visuals. A few of those damned things were disturbing as all hell, with innuendos far, far beyond my grasp. Seriously, what the fuck was Nasty Nick doing clutching a life-size doll? Creepy.
My infatuation with The Garbage Pail Kids only lasted two years, as menaces like Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees soon filled a void that was partially birthed by those freaky cards. It’s still hard to believe Topps had a hand in that creation, but I – and I’m certain countless others – am quite glad the collectible card powerhouse dipped their feet in the proverbial pool of filth. Some of the images Topps delivered still stick with me today, and I’m not entirely convinced I would have so eagerly made the transition from hideous but often chilling artwork (I never did give a damn about the gum) to live action horrors fit to leave a kid tangling with monstrosities in his sleep.
Yeah, I’m admitting it, plain and simple:
The Garbage Pail Kids helped mold this horror fanatic. They were, in a sense, my alpha. Exploding heads, dismembered limbs, tangled tongues… potentially perverted vampires; they were my gateway drug to a full on addiction to the macabre. And I owe ‘em a little thanks. Especially the really, really spine tingling ones!
Note: These picks come from the first three series’ exclusively, as those are all I collected!
Oozy Suzie (AKA Meltin’ Melissa): This bitch is melting! She’s melting! The eyeball snaking its way from the socket, the liquefied leg threatening to collapse at any moment. Just a nasty sight to behold. Mark Newgarden, who created this Cabbage Patch Kids parody must have held some serious disdain for the old Cabbage Patchers. That’s all I’m saying.
Fryin’ Brian (AKA Electric Bill): This poor bastard is being electrocuted. And Topps is marketing this business to kids! I love it! Stare at this one long and hard and tell me it doesn’t inspire you to throw Wes Craven’s campy
Shocker in the DVD player.
Dead Ted (AKA Jay Decay): I hope George Romero has, at some point in time, had the chance to check this card out. An awesome zombie climbing straight from the grave to – presumably – munch on some grey matter? Oh yes, The Godfather of the Undead would be extremely proud of this rotting beauty.
Adam Bomb (AKA Blasted Billy): This is a genuinely sadistic piece of imagery. It also feels like a really awesome nod to David Cronenberg’s kick ass flick,
Scanners. If Adam’s willing to blow his own brains to high heaven, you can bet the rest of the Garbage Pail Kids avoided this dude at all costs.
Itchy Richie (AKA Bugged Bert):
What… The… Fuck?? Seriously, this is a terrible idea! If you didn’t have arachnophobia prior to seeing this vile illustration, you most likely lapsed into a world where eight legged freaks tear through your conscious regularly after spotting ole Itchy Richie. Two things frighten me in this world: heights and spiders. Needless to say, the sight of this one always crawled under my skin (I had to do it).
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Weird Wendy (AKA Haggy Maggie): It’s unlikely that Weird Wendy ever sent any children into fear induced seizures. The truth is, this is one of the more mellow characters of the bunch. Just the same, there was a serious degree of classic charm in this safe but familiar depiction of an age old witch.
Corroded Carl (AKA Crater Chris): I’m guessing Carl was supposed to be suffering from one hellacious case of acne. It sure as shit didn’t look like that, however. It looks more like Carl took a dip in the same vat of toxic waste that Melvin Ferd tumbled into before emerging the melting man… or, you know, the Toxic Avenger.
Creepy Carol (AKA Scary Carrie): You’ve got to love the GPK’s tribute to Frankenstein’s Monster. Sure Carol comes up a tad short in the originality department. But she makes up for it with her superb reading material!
Leaky Lindsay (AKA Messy Tessie): Every elementary school has one of those kids who can’t quite figure out how to get a napkin up to his nose to clean up the glistening stream of snot working its way toward his upper lip. It makes sense that The Garbage Pail Kids would find a way to exploit that poor bastard. This Leaky Lindsay character though, she just takes things to a sordid new level. That really is gross.
Hot Scott (AKA Luke Warm): Come on now, the devil? In a damn diaper? Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
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Mad Max (AKA Brainy Brian): The second original series of The Garbage Pail Kids toned the horror elements down in a major way. It wasn’t a very offensive run, and there weren’t all too many nods to the genre. But Mad Max was one of the very few who delivered the goods: his brain. What to do now?
Slain Wayne (AKA Ventilated Vinnie): Wow. How did this one get a pass for public release? Look at that image and tell me that’s not mortifying. We’ve got a fellow – who looks just dark enough to question his potential ethnicity) tied up, blind folded…
and lined up for a fucking firing range! Way to wind series two down with a bang.
Stuck Chuck (AKA Pinned Lynn): We need to start teaching our children about voodoo shit at an early age. Topps new it damn near 30 years ago. This twisted little image forces the innocent little one in all of us to feel just a little shitty. Look at the expression on that poor doll’s face. I do admit to loving that death grip though.
Grim Jim (AKA Beth Death): Nah, there’s nothing creepy about this one. It does however tap the same nerve that Weird Wendy tapped. And, in another run that saw the series veer in a more conservative direction, the genre love is appreciated.
Mugged Marcus (AKA Kayo’d Cody): Just look at this picture for a second and study the details of the illustration. Take in each subtle distinction. Now close your eyes and think about what Mugged Marcus looks like. He looks like Chucky got abducted by Cenobites who made an attempt to mimic Dr. Frankenstein’s work!
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Juicy Jessica (AKA Green Dean): Now we’re talking! Bring back the creepy gore, we scream! And Topps does. That’s a flytrap from the depths of Hell, and the sad sucker who lost his arm will never again be the same. Why not throw in some skeletal remains for extra kicks? We’re with it!
Target Margaret (AKA Bullseye Barry): Hey, go ahead and line the little fucker up with the ducks. We already executed Wayne with no remorse, what’s another bastard blasted mercilessly? Honestly, these kinds of images played with the mind. Even a kid knows it sure as shit isn’t right looking at a doll/kid pumped full of bullet holes.
Starin’ Darren (AKA Peepin’ Tom): No joke, this is an eerie looking little guy. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I can hardly handle one pair of eyes on me. Throw in another 20 or so? Hell no.
Eerie Eric (AKA Berserk Kirk): A personal favorite, we’ve got a feral, perhaps outright werewolf running rampant in his undies with a sizeable bone (could be wrong, but that’s looking like a femur) in one hand and saliva pouring from his mouth. Tell me that’s not horror all the way!
Still Jill (AKA Ned Head): How many times have we seen this image in live action flicks and felt just a tad disturbed? This card had the very same effect on me years ago, and the moment I spotted it while preparing this piece, I knew it owned a place on this list. This is one bad ass
Garbage Pail Kid!
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