Editorial: Zero Sympathy for the Devils: Characters I’m Glad Got Their Asses Kicked
As I’m oddly fond of sequels that don’t have much to do with the original film, here’s a disconnected sequel to this article. Oh, and I’d like to make it clear that characters from Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave naturally belong on both lists, but I didn’t feel like getting into the rape-revenge subgenre.
You list one of those flicks, you might as well list ‘em all. Well, maybe that’s being a tad unfair – rape-revenge isn’t the only portion I’m avoiding. The August Underground characters ought to be listed, and that guy from Hostel that made me laugh my head off when he slipped on the blood and chainsawed his own leg… Clearly I’m conflicted. So with that out of the way, let’s make with the hatin’ that I prepared before writing this introduction.
ZERO SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVILS: CHARACTERS I’M GLAD GOT THEIR ASSES KICKED
Ben Gardner – Jaws
Yeah, I Genuinely Felt Sorry for Ben (as you may remember from Part 1 of this Editorial), but I didn’t like the guy either. Ben’s a bit of a buffoon – he crowds Hooper, blabbers to everyone about how he’s gonna kick the shit out of the shark once he finds it, and wears camouflage while fishing.
Plus, if Ben hadn’t bit it, the world would’ve missed out on one of the all-time greatest jump scares and one of John Williams’ most sickeningly gorgeous pieces of music. Admit it – you’re kinda glad Ben went, too.
The Mexican Restaurant Robbers – The Toxic Avenger
Good grief. This giggly pack of freaks bounds into a filthy taco stand and turns the place into a living hell. And it’s not just because they want money – they’re here to terrorize the place as only coked-up Troma characters can. I must admit that I laugh my ass off every time Leroy asks an infant “You like Mexican food, little baby?” while leveling a shotgun at the cherub’s face. My laughs are weighed down with regret, however, since I’ve often heard that the actor playing Leroy gave up the profession thanks to this scene. I can understand – having a baby cry real tears of fear while you’re screaming at it isn’t everybody’s cup o’ toxic waste. That aside, these Manimals waste a man, a seeing-eye dog and grope the customers. Before an anal rape can take place, Melvin shows up and turns them all into human guacamole. None of them get off light, and if you haven’t seen this scene for yourself, it’s time to treat yourself to some of most hilariously perverse violence I can recommend.
The Cook – Sleepaway Camp
The first day of camp, there he is – smoking a cigar and scoping out all of the “fresh young chicken” filing out of the camp buses. Where he’s from, they call ‘em “Baldies.” And Scuzzy McKitchen can’t wait to dupe one of those lil’ chickadees into having a quickie in the walk-in fridge. Not this time, friend-o. Dude tries to pull a filthy fast one on Peter, I mean Angela, and pays a serious price. His screams will always be lurid music to my depraved ears. And if you haven’t had a good laugh today, consider this: the crooked cook was boiling corn in that scalding hot water, so he probably got popped in the eye with a cob on the way down. Where I’m from, we call ‘em “Scaldies.”
Jason – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
What an asshole. I think of Jason killing Crispin Glover, so that he may never dance again. I think of Jason rubbing out Tommy and Trish’s super-hot, super-cool mom. I think of him breaking Rob’s gun and messing up his tent JUST to make his hunt for Jason more difficult. And I think of the thousands of dollars it’ll cost Trish to repair her house. Seriously – Jason breaks her windows, smashes through her doors, rips the house’s phone line out, breaks a lamp, stains the carpet, bashes the walls with a hammer and an axe…the list goes on! AND he scares the family dog so badly, there’s no chance in hell that pooch is ever coming back after it breaks a window itself to run away. So yeah, every time I hear that music swell and the film switches to slow-mo before Tommy swings the machete, I cheer for Cory Feldman and wish him well. Hey Jason, on behalf of the Jarvis’s:
Bartok – The Fly II
Yeah! EAT IT, Bartok! Ruthless scum! I hate, hate, HATE Bartok for what he did to that dog, and his appropriately repulsive comeuppance makes me wanna run next door, shove the kids off of their trampoline and do a celebratory front-flip. Animal lover? You bet – got two beagles, and I chase off most elder males from my front lawn for fear that they may be related to Bartok.
Captain Rhodes – Day of the Dead
A confession: I love Rhodes. Looooove him. If I had to choose between two tantrums to listen to on repeat for the rest of my life, Rhodes’ explosive “I’m running this monkey farm now, Frankenstein!” outburst would totally trump Nicholson’s “Wendy, let me explain something to you” Shining rant. That aside, Rhodes was a twisted bastard (“Give the rest of us a shot at some lovin’…”) and had to go. And since he did, I’d like to thank Romero and Savini for tearing his hate-ravaged body apart like a chicken before my very eyes. Rhodes wouldn’t have wanted to go out via a zombie nibble on the earlobe. He would’ve wanted the real deal, and brother, he got it. So stands the reason that I’m delighted that one of my favorite horror characters of all time got to see his lower half pulled down a hallway by living dead people.
Chop-Top – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2
For me, this yo-yo never felt truly evil until the final scene of slashing away at Stretch’s back with a razor. I know he beat the shit out of L.G. with a mallet, but that scene was just so goofy that it didn’t really give me pause to wonder if Chop-Top is actually from Hell. His cackling slashing of Stretch confirms that he is a living, breathing demon, and must be stopped. When Stretch sends his nasty ass tumbling into the abyss of the Sawyer’s depraved playground, I feel genuine relief.
The Devil’s Rejects – The Devil’s Rejects
No, I’m not a Bill Moseley hater. Great guy, in fact. Anyone that sings an impromptu duet with me of “Dirty Sperm Rag” gets straight-A’s in my gradebook (Bill, if you’re reading this, it was a brief encounter in Chicago). Frankly, I really just wanted the Devil’s trio to die so Lynyrd Skynyrd would stop blaring over the soundtrack. One of the most maddeningly annoying finales in horror history, Zombie insists that we comprehend what a great filmmaker he is by shoving lovey-dovey cutaways at us of these despicable ne’er-do-wells having fun on sunny afternoons while they are actually about to be blown away by the authorities. “Aw, look how much they really loved each other…” In case we didn’t get it, Zombie turns “Free Bird” up on the soundtrack so we can fully taste the greasy country-fried steak of emotion he’s trying to feed us. The song plays…and plays and plays. The slow-mo shots drag…and drag and drag. Why? So the damn solo can accompany the gunshots. These beasts don’t deserve a blaze of glory, dammit – just fuckin’ kill ‘em already so this song will END!
Mike – Make Them Die Slowly a.k.a. Cannibal Ferox
Yeah, I know it should be “Cannibal Ferox a.k.a Make Them Die Slowly” , but I grew up in the states with Make Them Die Slowly – bitchin’ title. Played by genre favorite Giovanni Lombardo Radice, the character of Mike is a bloody booger smeared on the wall of cinema. A true scumbag, this guy gets brutal comeuppance after leaving a trail of cocaine, rape and torture throughout the Amazon. And since this is an early 80’s Italian cannibal flick, that means he gets his impossibly hairy weiner lopped off and snacked upon. But really, that’s just getting even, since Mike already pulled that trick on a native earlier in the film. Mike needs another level of ass-kickery. So the cannibals let him hang in there for a while, then slice open his melon and pluck out his brains like barflies sorting through a bowl of mixed nuts.
The Mother and Daughers – The Baby
Baby is hidden away by his mother. Baby is touched by his sister. Baby is cattle-prodded by his other sister. Baby is a grown man. If you’ve seen this movie, you know why you’re reading this now. If you haven’t seen it – and I fear many of you haven’t – this is as far as we go. Trust me – asses get kicked. Cancel your appointments, tell your folks you can’t make it for dinner, tell the band you can’t practice today, and find this movie. That way, you can jump on the message boards and give me hell or thank me endlessly for making you watch it.
Love,
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