How to Survive Fantastic Fest from a Grizzled Veteran

Brad McHargue |

Sep 14, 2017

Fantastic Fest 2017 is a mere however many days away from the time you read this. For veterans like myself, this is a time for quiet reflection, introspection, and preparing the liver for what may very well be its last hurrah.

For the Fantastic Fest tenderfoots, however, the two weeks leading to the festival can be fraught with fear, concern, and an overall feeling of trepidation that precedes your journey into the cinematic Hellmouth. And with good reason. Fantastic Fest is pure, unbridled chaos. In the seven years I’ve attended (2009-2015, took a year off in 2016), I’ve engaged in two boxing matches, gotten hammered countless times over, and almost witnessed the death of Martin Landau. All this while trying to write reviews, recaps, and in some cases stay caught up on day job responsibilities without trying to die from exhaustion. I’d say coke helps, but I don’t do drugs and that would be irresponsible.

Don’t do drugs, kids. But I digress.

It’s an overwhelming experience for sure, with countless decisions to make on a daily basis that can change the outcome of the entire festival. Think of it as a “Choose Your Own Adventure,” except with way more beer and fetid air and instant regret. There is no right way to fest, but there are a lot of wrong ways. As such, I’ve prepared some tips to help you make the most of your 8 days of debauchery and madness at Fantastic Fest.

PRE-FEST PREP

The lynchpin of a successful Fantastic Fest is the pre-fest preparation. From devising your plan of attack to preparing your innards for the onslaught of grease and alcohol, every detail must be considered. By doing so, you’re effectively tipping the scales in your favor: eschewing pre-fest planning in favor of living your life as if nothing has changed is a surefire way to wind up dead in a gutter by Day 4.

The few days leading up to the fest will be spent crafting the perfect schedule. It will allow for at least one viewing of all your anticipated films, a handful of surprises, and events. It will be mostly abandoned after day one, then rendered utterly useless the morning of your first hangover.
You can attempt to avoid the Fantastic Flu, the inevitable malaise that affects approximately 62%* of fest-goers, by mainlining Vitamin C or getting a flu shot. Or, you know, don’t share drinks or make out with gross people. If you opt not to get your flu shot, you could always…pray? Any god works, they’re all the same.

FOOD AND DRINK

Austin, Texas, is known for BBQ you have to wait in line 6 hours for, donuts as big as your head, and MOTHERFUCKING WHATABURGER, BITCHES! There’s also the Drafthouse’s extensive menu, which you’ll undoubtedly be perusing over every single movie despite probably ordering the same thing 90% of the time. Like the queso fries.

Unfinished food and drink following a movie is fair game. It’s a great way to save money and try a little bit of everything.
There is better beer than Shiner. Don’t @ me, you know it’s true. I mean, it’s often free, especially in the Shiner theater, so beggars and alcoholics can’t be choosers, but still. Branch out.
Try food outside of the Drafthouse. I recommend Maudie’s Tex-Mex next door, as its food is serviceable and the perfect solution to the constipation you’ll no doubt be experiencing around Day 3.
If you’re seeing a “quiet” film (MISS ZOMBIE from 2013 comes to mind), do not order loud food. Order a milkshake. They’re awesome.
Eat the queso fries. They’re like an orgasm in your mouth, except not as salty.

HYGIENE

Texas is hot. You know this, I know this. The sun is a petulant little shit that wants nothing more than to make your life miserable, and we’d all be better off if it just fucked off and died. During a film festival in Texas at the tail end of summer, the sun’s energy is focused entirely on making 1,000+ film nerds sweat and stink before being crammed into a small areas, so you owe it not just to yourself, but to those around you to take the proper precautions.

Wear deodorant. Please, for the love of God and all that is good and right in this world, wear deodorant.
And shower. Every morning. There are no jokes here. Just shower. It makes you feel good in the morning, and the rest of us don’t have to deal with your fetid stank.
Don’t wear sandals. There isn’t a practical reason for this, just no one wants to see your feet.
Wear face moisturizer with sunscreen. I mean, it’s the smart thing to do, regardless of whether or not you’re at a film festival. Proper skin care is key to reducing the effects of aging.

DAY TO DAY FESTING

Fantastic Fest is eight days long. In those eight days you will experience incredible highs and lows as you navigate films, events, friends, and a startling lack of sleep. From proper theater etiquette to dealing with mid-day naps, there are ways to make things easier not just for yourself, but for everyone around you as well.

Drink lots of water. Texas gets hot, and no one wants to spend half their fest wondering if that guy who passed out from dehydration and cracked his skull open survived.
If you’re sitting in the middle of a row, go under the table. If you’re physically unable, we’ll all feel bad for judging you.
If you’re tired during a movie, the shoulder of the person next to you makes for a convenient pillow.
Do not touch the celebrities. They tend to bite.
Try and attend the Secret Screenings, then get really pissed off when you don’t get a ticket, then feel an overwhelming sense of relief when the secret screening is revealed to be something stupid you had no desire to see anyways. I’m looking at you, GREEN INFERNO.
Save the schedule and ticket login pages to your phone as icons. Trust me.
Your least favorite movie of the festival is someone’s favorite. Don’t be a dick about it.
Having a tube inserted into your dick will be less painful than clenching a bladder full of beers and cocktails while you wait on an excruciating men’s room line too many times in one day. (Matt Donato, We Got This Covered)
Skip movies to go to the events. Yes, it’s a film festival, but when given the opportunity to watch an Algerian thriller about a guy trying to exact revenge on the guy who killed his pet goat and seeing a bunch of film nerds debate stupid topics and beat each other up in the ring, it’s kind of a no brainer. Unless you like Algerian goat revenge thrillers. Oh man, movie pitch: JOHN WICK, except Keanu Reeves is an Algerian goat.
If meeting people from online, don’t describe yourself as “the bearded guy with glasses.” My name is Legion, for we are many.
The dozens of people running around in Fantastic Fest shirts with clipboards and walkie talkies? They make the fest happen. Thank them. Profusely.

POST-FEST

Fantastic Fest has ended. You’ve tossed your bag on the couch and collapsed in a heap. The event you’ve been waiting for all year is in the past. Life has no meaning for another 365 days.

You will gain weight. It will be worth it.
This can be mitigated through sensible eating throughout the fest. But you won’t do that. Instead, just fast or something. A week should do it.
You can stave off reality a little while longer by making plans for the Telluride Horror Show, which is two weeks after Fantastic Fest ends and is awesome and this is in no way shameless promotion.

Do you have any of your own tips to add? The comments section is right down there. Attending the fest this year? Jonathan Barkan and myself will be there, covering all the wonderful genre films and events while occasionally crying ourselves to sleep.

*Numbers completely fabricated.

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