10 Doomed Horror Couples Who Should’ve Swiped Left Immediately
I watched Strange Darling and have decided it is my new personality. Sure, I could toss on my pink wig and get back on the dating apps, but that would be too easy. Plus, it’s not as much fun as celebrating all of the hookups gone wrong in my favorite genre. Horror is the place where love, or lust, comes to die quite often. The landscape is littered with gaslighting husbands, monster fuckers, and full-on homicidal spouses. While this is a topic I’ve skimmed the surface of before, I thought it was time to really judge some of these couples up close and personal.
So, I’ve assembled a list of 10 horror couples who should have swiped left that you can watch while Strange Darling lives rent-free in your head this weekend.
A Ghost Waits (dir. Adam Stovall)
Where You Can Watch: Plex
A man hired to clean a house finds out the home is haunted and then falls for the ghost he’s trying to remove. Talk about a weird couple. We’ve all had to lower our standards in this awful dating pool, but we should still seek out potential partners who are alive. Please do not bring your ghostly booty calls to brunch unless you plan to pay for the drinks. This romantic horror comedy definitely raises some interesting questions. For example, do you still expect to be tipped if you start dating the entity you were supposed to be taking care of? What is the life expectancy in a relationship when one person is already dead? I also want to know what the vows would sound like because death clearly did not do them part if they are still pursuing this situationship.
Audition (dir. Takashi Miike)
Where You Can Watch: AMC+, Tubi, and Sling TV
A man’s scheme to find a new wife backfires when the woman he likes turns out to be much more than meets the eye. I don’t feel bad that this man fucked around and found out. However, knowing that Asami is the kind of girl who will saw a guy’s foot off if she finds a picture of his dead wife in his home also makes her a problem. Even before she engaged in hand-to-hand combat with her boyfriend’s teen, I wondered if this was the kind of girl boss I could not publicly support. By all means, carry your ex-boyfriends around in mysterious bags and let your freak flag fly all day, but when the drama starts affecting the children, we need to pause and reassess. I know I’m team fuck them kids, but I’m not sure we should fistfight them in their homes.
Bride Of Chucky (dir. Ronny Yu)
Where You Can Watch: Netflix and Peacock
Chucky returns to his former flame and then he decides she should also have a doll body. We love Tiffany and Chucky because they match each other’s horror freak. However, two homicidal people do not make a right. Which is why they have a history of killing versions of each other and spend more time off than on. Things are especially tricky for these doll faces because they have a kid to think of between outrageous murders and petty crimes. I secretly hope they figure out their deadly deal, but it feels like the more we learn about our favorite couple, the more it seems they should end things for good. May Damballa renew Chucky and give these murderous kids more time to see that they don’t belong together. Or give them a few more seasons to figure it out because it’s one of the few places we can see Mom and Dad, aka Jennifer Tilly and Brad Dourif, together.
Cat People (dir. Jacques Tourneur)
Where You Can Watch: VOD
A man marries a woman who believes she’ll turn into a cat if they have sex. That should have been a conversation before walking down the aisle. Because, like…what do you mean? This horror couple and their marriage were doomed even before they started. Best outcome: you are stuck in a sexless marriage and believe your new wife is having a breakdown. Worst outcome: you married someone who will turn into a cat if you ever consummate the relationship. What would people even think when they found your naked remains torn to pieces by a panther? There is no winning, and I would have had the wedding reception in the office of a good divorce lawyer.
Fresh (dir. Mimi Cave)
Where You Can Watch: Hulu
A woman thinks she’s met the perfect man until she goes away with him for a romantic weekend and discovers he is hiding some major secrets. I feel for Noa because many of us wish we could find someone who looks like Sebastian Stan out in the wild. However, finding out your new boyfriend is not just being cute when he says you look like a snack ruins that fantasy. Now you are running around with missing pieces, and he’s serving you alongside a nice Chianti. After decades of movies telling us to never go away to a secluded cabin with a man, this movie unlocked new fears. If horror films like The Evil Dead (1981), The Strangers, and A Wounded Fawn haven’t proven that many romantic getaways end in death, then maybe Fresh will get through to you. As for me, I will not be going to the second location to play Is This Man A Cannibal?
Honeymoon (dir. Leigh Janiak)
Where You Can Watch: Hulu
A newlywed couple’s honeymoon takes a turn when the wife is found wandering around disoriented in the middle of the night. I respect that Paul took his vows way more seriously than I would have. However, if your new spouse returns from a walk acting funny, maybe you should think about cutting your losses. He had so many moments with Bea I watched while shaking my head because it could never be me. Between the goo, the blood, the mysterious memory loss, and the big worm, this relationship cannot be worth it. This horror movie ruined honeymoons, romance, and secluded cabins in Canada. I still get nauseous thinking about some of the things they went through in the bathroom and the bedroom. I have quit things for far lesser reasons and would have bailed on this marriage in record time.
It Follows (dir. David Robert Mitchell)
Where You Can Watch: Hulu and Netflix
A young woman has sex with her new boyfriend without knowing he is passing a supernatural curse onto her during the encounter. I think about this movie whenever I think about getting back on an app. This idea of passing this shit around like an STI will never leave my brain. I feel like It Follows should be part of the sex-ed curriculum because if more of us had seen this earlier in life, many of us would have done college differently. Having mediocre car sex with someone you’re probably not going to talk to again is normal. However, passing on his demons is what I take issue with. You would let me shave my legs and put on my good bra for this? I am calling the authorities, two priests, and a getaway driver. I would also still throw hands the next time I caught him outside! Watching Jay fight for her life as her friends catch literal stray bullets while trying to help her fend off the dude’s ghosts sends me to hell every rewatch.
Ready Or Not (dir. Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett)
Where You Can Watch: VOD
A woman spends her wedding night playing a deadly game with her new husband’s entire family. I hope this groom was put on the express bus to hell because what do you mean? This is the kind of secret you must share before proposing. Grace would have understandably chosen not to marry into this clan that does business with evil dead guys. I’m also sure she would have opted out of family game night had she known death was a possible outcome. Can you imagine finding out who your partner is mere hours after tying the knot? She wasn’t even married long enough to change outfits, so she had to run from her new in-laws while still in her wedding dress. I hope she enjoys spending their money as she has the whole family cleaned off the walls, ceilings, and floors of this house she recently inherited.
Scream (dir. Wes Craven)
Where You Can Watch: Max
A year after her mother’s murder, a teen finds herself the target of a masked killer. Many of us wish we had sidestepped our first couple of boyfriends. However, I doubt anyone regrets their high school boyfriend as much as Sidney Prescott does. He didn’t just kill her mother and kill her friends, and then try to kill her. He also had a whole-ass mother ruin her college plans in a sequel. Not only was this the most unhinged man in Woodboro, but he also inspired countless copycat killers and endless Stab sequels. He’s single-handedly the reason Sidney only recently found peace after five movies. She has to be triggered by just hearing his name because every time someone thinks about Billy Loomis, she gets shot at. You know that whenever she meets anyone named Billy, her instinct is to call the cops. She is not buying Billie Eilish albums and has never seen a Billy Zane movie. All because she dated one cute psycho in high school, and it will haunt her forever.
Sleepwalkers (dir. Mick Garris)
Where You Can Watch: VOD
A mother and her son, who are both supernatural creatures, seek out a virgin to feed on. No matter how you look at this love triangle, it’s a no for me. However, my heart goes out to the poor virgin who thought she found love and instead found this mess. Not only did this girl realize her new boyfriend was a large cat trying to eat her in not-so-fun ways, but she also discovered that he was blowing out his mother’s back. If I were her, I would immediately visit the local convent because I would be done. I would have sung that vow of celibacy because I have seen more than enough. There is no coming back from a relationship that veers this quickly into these kinds of hellish places. It’s like Stephen King saw what was going on with The Jerry Springer Show and decided to add a few horror elements. I haven’t seen this movie since I was a teen, but I still shudder thinking about this title.
While none of these couples can truly match Strange Darling‘s freak, they might help you realize there are worse things than being single this fall. If you want to compare notes on other doomed horror relationships, you can find me at @misssharai.
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