Top Steam Horror Games ON SALE NOW – PC Buyer’s Guide
Real Horror Stories Ultimate Edition
Developed by GameORE
Published by Strategy First
Not classified by the ESRB
This game is 29 cents. Cheese on a whopper costs more than that. Normally the game is $2, but it is on 85% discount for the entire duration of the sale. I do not really need to explain that this game is bad. It costs a quarter and four pennies. That is a price point generally reserved for individual pieces of gum or two Andes mints from a jar by the register of a bodega. If I were to close my eyes right now and paw at the area where I leave my pants, I would likely shake loose from my pockets sufficient funds to purchase this game for all three of my friends.
The game also happens to be terrible. Originally a Newgrounds Flash game, I can only assume that this was submitted to Steam as a performance art piece depicting the declining standards of quality control in digital libraries. Sadly, this game was not vetoed by virtue of being poop, and joins the ranks of Day One: Garry’s Incident and Orion: Dino Beatdown in the list of games my brain refuses to believe were not made as ironic jokes. Still, it is 29 cents.
I am not exaggerating either when I say this is a Newgrounds Flash game. You can actually play the game online right now if you wanted to. I mean, it wouldn’t be the Ultimate Edition, which according to the store page features “Even more jumpscares!” and “6 NEW horror puzzles.” So I guess if your goal is to be the next Pewdiepie (who has already played and screamed over this whole thing, never you worry), you really have to splurge for the definitive edition. It IS only 29 cents, after all.
If you are unfamiliar with this type of Flash scare-cam game, then allow me to enlighten you. In these games, you look at still images of scenes either drawn crudely in Flash or stolen without any credit from a Google image search. As you click things to progress, faces also stolen from a Google image search jump out and go “Boo!” That’s seriously it. It’s a hidden object game that makes sure you aren’t sleeping every now and then. I’m seriously not making this shit up, it’s a whole genre of games prolific on any Flash portal. They used to be a surefire way to rake in the e-penis, but have been largely replaced by knock-off mobile games. So now, the digital shelves of Steam serve as home to all sorts of low quality and/or never finished horror games, with little but intuition and some reviews to tell you which are garbage and which are actually okay. It is a cancer, clogging up the shelves and pushing out legitimate indie titles, even if it just does so a little. Still, it IS only 29 cents.
I would tell you what a better version of this game that is worth buying would be, but there are no good versions of this game. Back when they were on Newgrounds, it was fine, because you knew the game you were playing was made by some kid who was still learning game design. Sure, it was all trash, but so are the paintings of children, and everyone has to start somewhere. This game is made so shoddily, that if you press tab it will highlight in yellow what you can click on. This is also known as “the old Flash trick,” focusing on the old because for at least the past 4 years preventing that from happening has been common knowledge. I half expected to right click and be able to push play to get to the next level. Still, for a cent less than a quarter and nickel, what were you expecting.
It seems like the Steam community has at least caught on. Even the positive reviews are all jokes like “great uninstall simulator” or “a fun game for drinking parties, take a shot every time you feel like you just wasted 19 cents.” Well now that I know that the game was 90% at some point, how could I ever justify the 29 cent price point? Geeze, guess I have to take away the game’s one merit. While the game is 29 cents, it is in fact not JUST 19 cents. With this in mind, I cannot recommend you purchase it.
I will say there is one fantastic part to the game. The game makes little to no sense, so puzzles are mostly just solved by rubbing things until a ghost pops out. During one segment, you have to solve a musical puzzle by poking wailing corpses hanging in cages. They serve as a makeshift ocarina, and only with the correct lilting melody of disparaged groans can you proceed to the next level. I would gladly play a whole game that was just guitar hero but with dead people, but only if it was 19 cents.
1/2 out of 5
Categorized:Horror Gaming News
