Avalanche Sharks (2015)
Starring Alexander Mendeluk, Kate Nauta, Ben Easterday, Eric Scott Woods
Directed by Scott Wheeler
Avalanche Sharks is a premise that forgot it still has to be a movie. Native American supernatural snow shark spirits terrorize skiers, bikini babes, and local residents of a ski resort community, some of whom actually have names and/or occupations – not that it matters much. Cut. Print. That’s it. There’s also an avalanche that isn’t even all that central to the action.
I believe Avalanche Sharks was intended to be a sequel of sorts to Sand Sharks (not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination but at least one that displayed some glimmers of playful imagination) though it actually plays more like a sequel to Ghost Shark, aimed squarely at people that found Ghost Shark to be too plot intensive and the rules of how the Ghost Shark functioned too intricate to follow.
Avalanche Sharks is really just an excuse for people to get eaten by sharks swimming in the snow. They might have been able to pull it off if had there been any actual effort applied to making the shark attacks creative or the set-ups to the kills amusing. Watch the trailer for this one, and you’ll have seen everything it has to offer.
Again: Native American supernatural snow shark spirits terrorize skiers, bikini babes, and local residents of a ski resort community for the hell of it. Something about a curse. They try explaining the legend several times. Sharknado was smart enough not to dwell on trying to over-explain the impossible.
Little by way of character development. Less by way of plot development. Yet, until the climax there aren’t nearly as many snow shark attacks as you’d expect. When the sharks aren’t doing their thing, Avalanche Sharks left me feeling like I was watching an old school ski slope sex comedy that forgot to include the sex or the comedy. Characters frequently talk without actually saying anything. Often times they’re not even doing anything except buying time until it’s time for another uninspired shark attack.
If you’ve seen one avalanche shark attack, you’ve seen every avalanche shark attack. A fin pokes out of the snow in pursuit of someone (the best effects the film has to offer). A shark head pops out and chomps a leg, pulling the victim down into the bloody snow. Or it leaps full-bodied out of the snow to gobble someone in one bite. So many missed opportunities for crazy fun kills. Where’s the ski jumper getting chased down the snowy ramp getting gobbled by the shark in mid-air? Where are the people trapped on the ski lift with hungry snow sharks below? Where’s the shark exploding out of a snowman people are building? I challenge anyone to watch this flick and not find yourself coming up with your own snow shark scenarios that will prove more inventive than what we get.
The one time the snow sharks do something out of the ordinary it didn’t make much sense even for a movie about Native American spirit sharks in the snow. Some snow bunnies get eaten when a shark pops out of their hot tub. I know I’m over-thinking this, but if these sharks exist in the snow, wouldn’t hot water be their Achilles heel, something they would want to actively avoid? Yep. I just put too much thought into it.
Rather than using some actual imagination, the climax is mostly people trying to fend off fintasms with firearms while one person away from the paranormal sharktivity hurries to erect a series of leaning Indian totem poles as if they’re playing some weird version of “The Price Is Right’s” Race Game. The way I wrote that last sentence probably makes the finale sound more entertaining than it actually is.
One briefly amusing scene where a distraught boyfriend that just watched his girlfriend get eaten becomes convinced the power of love will protect him from the sharks and an almost funny running joke towards the end that sees a more villainous character getting repeatedly maimed yet uneaten (almost because his demise is ultimately unsatisfying) are about the best this has to offer.
“Unsatisfying” is the perfect word to describe this Sharknado wannabe. Some b-movies make for an amusing time waster and some are just a waste of time. Avalanche Sharks is the latter. On the plus side, it’s only 82 minutes. On the negative side, 82 minutes is a lot longer than you realize.
If nothing else, I will give it credit for having maybe the best cinematography of any Syfy-esque shark movie I’ve seen. This really is a vibrant looking film. Too bad there isn’t much else worth looking at.
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
