Bikini Girls on Ice (Blu-ray / DVD)
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Starring Suzi Lorraine, Kerri Taylor, Ivan Peric, Tarek Ghader
Directed by Geoff Klein
Distributed by Well Go USA
There are certain key ingredients that need to be in place to make sure that a slasher film works. You don’t necessarily need a strong story, a good script, or even good acting to make a successfully gory good time, and in the end that’s what we watch these things for … to see people get maimed in imaginative and sometimes hilariously ironic ways. It’s like going to a good spookhouse. Cheap thrills, man.
Director Geoff Klein takes a different approach with his latest flick, Bikini Girls on Ice, but before we get to that, here’s a quick plot crunch … such as it is.
A bunch of college kids get on a bus and head out to set up a Bikini Car Wash for cash. Along the way their bus conveniently breaks down at a rundown gas station that’s actually the lair of a psycho mechanic named Moe (yes, Moe), who displays a penchant for killing and putting his victims literally on ice. As our scantily clad kids exit their vehicle and head to the proverbial chopping block, we see that we have a potentially high body count to look forward to – clocking in at around a dozen. Hot chicks … homicidal maniac … what could go wrong?
Then it happens … the first kill.
Offscreen.
Then the second. Offscreen. Then the third. Offscreen. Then half of our would-be kills just decide to leave and walk back(!) to wherever they came from, thereby diminishing the possible body count drastically. Then we get even more offscreen kills. In the end Bikini Girls on Ice gives hopeful slasher fans one act of onscreen violence and one single set of boobs. We do, however, get several scenes of blood being spattered on various walls, etc. What a colossal waste of time.
Director Klein obviously thinks that spending nearly a full hour and a half looking at chicks in bikinis is enough to distract you from the horrid acting, the shoddy script, and the ludicrous lack of imagination when it comes to delivering the goods. Sorry, dude. Maybe if I were 13. Hell, even MTV movies like My Super Psycho Sweet 16 hit home harder than this flaccid snoozefest.
If you want to subject yourself to a whole lot more nothing to see here there’s a quick behind-the-scenes video, some deleted scenes, and a blooper reel.
Bikini Girls on Ice has effectively dethroned Suicide Girls Must Die as the worst slasher flick of the last ten years. Then again, at least the latter had loads of nudity. True, after 10 minutes even the naked chicks got boring, but still, at least they got that part right whereas this mess is a failure on every level.
Special Features
1/2 out of 5
2 1/2 out of 5
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