Piranhaconda (2012)
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Starring Michael Madsen, Rachel Hunter, Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Diana Terranova
Directed by Jim Wynorski
If all you’re interested in when watching a movie titled Piranhaconda is seeing people getting chomped to death by a monster in relatively the same fashion over and over again, then you’ll get what you’re looking for. By God, you’ll get what you’re looking for. The average game of Pac-Man boasts less chomping than Piranhaconda. But that’s about all you’re going to get out of this latest Roger Corman-produced Syfy creature feature.
Sorry, forgot, you’ll also get cleavage – lots and lots of cleavage. Jim Wynorski directed so you better believe there will be boobage, albeit TV-PG boobage. The way this creature went after big breasted women in bikinis, I kept waiting for a scientist to explain the monster had to devour silicone in order to sustain itself. Much of the first 40 minutes of Piranhaconda was like watching a giant snake terrorize a Miss Hooters bikini contest.
I recall being a little disappointed with Sharktopus at the time because it seemed like a great monster the filmmakers didn’t fully utilize. Not only does Piranhaconda not get fully utilized, it’s not even a great monster. It’s a great gimmicky name for a monster, that’s about it. The fact that its half-piranha means nothing outside of its slightly fishy head and razor teeth; it barely spends any time in the water. Being half-anaconda means even less because it’s so big it can’t coil around anyone and squeeze them to death as an anaconda would. It’s just a giant snake with a mouthful of sharp teeth that slithers around biting people in half or making them explode into a digital red mist. There’s very little about the actual Piranhaconda that differentiates it from every other giant snake movie Syfy has aired.
The series of events that in some circles could be construed as a plot kicks off with a scientist (Michael Madsen, who sounds very sleepy much of the time) raising the ire of a Piranhaconda by stealing one if its eggs that he plans to sell for big bucks. This leads to him getting held captive by a group of never adequately explained gun-toting bandits in black t-shirts and khaki pants that intend to hold him for ransom. For some reason he never tries to escape despite being held hostage in an open-ended building that is poorly guarded.
Rachel Hunter plays the girlfriend of the head bandit/terrorist/Tom Savini Look-A-Like Contest 3rd Runner-Up. She has very little dialogue, very few scenes, does even less in those few scenes, and still gets second billing. I’m at a loss to explain why they wasted the extra money hiring a name just for a minor character whose most signifigant moment involves shaving the bad guy.
A low budget slasher flick is also shooting in the area. The prima donna b-movie starlet (Sharktopus bikini babe Shandi Finnessey, this time in a fun role that gives her more to do than just rock a bikini, which she continues to do quite well, I might add) wants to put the moves on the hunky actor/stuntman playing the masked killer (Rib Hillis), but he actually has the hots for the frequently bikini-topped script supervisor (Terri Ivens). It’s a love triangle that never gets started because they’re soon taken hostage by those bandits looking to ransom them back to their studio for big bucks. Suddenly the movie turns into Tropic Thunder, except it goes full retard.
Was it my imagination or did the film crew and the terrorists drive the exact same white SUV? Can anyone who saw the movie confirm this? I’d swear that same white SUV did double duty. Mr. Wynorski is nothing if not frugal.
I also would be remiss if I did not give special recognition to the lovely Diana Terranova for her performance as a vacationing woman who twice goes for a swim and somehow manages to come back ashore dry.
Piranhaconda chomps big breasted women. Piranhaconda chomps average breasted women. Piranhaconda chomps people making a movie. Piranhaconda chomps armed gunmen. Piranhaconda chomps scientists. Piranhaconda chomps tourists. The novelty of it all grows tedious in a hurry due to there being so very little creativity to the kills and virtually nothing else going on to chew on aside from frequent bursts of intentionally corny dialogue trying way too hard to be comically stupid with very limited success. This is a movie whose primary entertainment value boils down to how much heckling you and your friends can do, and even then you’ll probably run out of steam due to the repetitious monster antics and going nowhere everything else.
Piranhaconda is no Sharktopus, that’s for damn sure. And a damn shame.
2 out of 5
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