Alien Agent (DVD)

Mike Phalin |

Apr 7, 2008

Starring Mark Dacoscos, Billy Zane, Kim Coates and Emma Lahana

Directed by Jesse Johnson

Distributed by Allumination Filmworks

The fate of the whole human race hinges on a sole warrior from an alien planet, a lonely trendy girl and plenty of Canadian wilderness! That is pretty much the extent of Alien Agent’s plot. Sure, there’s more about an alien race that seeded our planet millions of years ago and Billy Zane playing two roles … but that’s not important. What does matter is that this film has a R rating but nothing that warrants it!

Mark Dacascos plays our lone badass who must stop his fellow aliens from conquering Earth, but along the way he befriends former Power Ranger Emma Lahana, and a pointless romance starts. This misguided plot point also gives way to pointless side boob nudity that never fleshes itself out. Yes, that is the major problem with the picture … no boobs.

Alien Agent is rated R, but why? The violence is pretty tame with only minor wounds and no real graphic bloodshed. So there had to be gratuitous amounts of nudity, right? Nope. For no good reason the audience is treated to many nipple near misses that add nothing to the story. Usually a shower scene is the perfect time for someone to be killed off camera or just plainly a tool to keep us watching, but neither of those applications fits.

Why must we be tormented by titties we cannot see! Why, God?!

We did get an ass though. Whoever was body doubling for Emma Lahana was nice enough to shake her bare cheeks for everyone and then broke our hearts by letting the camera only get a centimeter away from her nips before the scene cut to Mr. Dacoscos laying shirtless on a bed. What kind of Nightmare on Elm Street 2 BS is that?!

*Goes to YouPorn for an hour and returns*

Ah, much better. Now, let’s talk about the movie itself. Alien Agent isn’t a bad film at all. The acting is about what you’d expect out of something we’d see on Sci-Fi, but the action is solid and Mark Dacoscos kicks some solid ass with his martial arts. Even Billy Zane entertains in his dual roles of local country idiot and leader of the alien siege. If only he was given more to do than look bored through a majority of his 15 minutes of scene time.

As far as the plot is concerned, I cannot really remember what was about aside from the brief synopsis above. There were sparkly things that looked like raving brine shrimp that helped regenerate the aliens’ wounds, but that’s as deep and memorable as it got.

The story is totally forgettable as is the location. The Canadian woods and country settings are beautiful but don’t really fit in with the science fiction setting and gun-toting bravado. It isn’t until the last scene that we get to see where this picture should have really been shot. Oh well, at least it has been left open for a sequel if anyone cares for it.

What this DVD could have really used were some extras. Apart from the naked ass, there’s nothing to make this the sort of thing you should pick up in the store if it’s on TV. There’s no commentary, featurette or even a lame stills gallery. What the hell, man? No one bothered to shoot footage of Mark D. practicing his fight scenes? What about the setting up of all the explosions we see?

Well, unless you’ve got a thing for side boobs or Billy Zane looking plain, there’s nothing here for you. Move along.

Film