House on Pine Street, The (2015)
Starring Emily Goss, Taylor Bottles, Cathy Barnett
Directed by Aaron and Austin Keeling
Let’s face it, after the box-office successes of such powerhouses like The Conjuring, Insidious, and even the Paranormal Activity series (not all of them, don’t get your undies in a twist) – the haunted house sub-section of horror has lacked that certain “oomph”. With everyone and their two-panty-granny thinking they’ve got their finger on the pulse of what will scare the cheese-whiz out of the masses, a mile-long line of cloned wanna-bes have marched their way off of the drafting table and clear into our desensitized sightlines. Unfortunately, I’ve got to report that The House On Pine Street is no different than those hopefuls before it, getting its tires stuck in the mud and spinning itself in deeper and deeper, with no hope of freeing it up to become mentionable.
The movie revolves around the young (and seemingly unhappy) couple of Jennifer (Goss) and Luke (Bottles) – their marriage is as fragile right now as is the state of their unborn child, which clearly isn’t on the number one list of priorities for Jen, whose character constantly looks as if she is under attack by an invisible swarm of killer bees – if it’s complete trepidation and unsettle-dom she was shooting for, she NAILED IT. As their move back to Jen’s childhood hometown isn’t enough to make things less than stellar, the overprotective stance of her mother (Cathy Barnett) will certainly reinforce those negative feelings. After the two become settled in their freshly-decorated nest, that’s when the atypical occurrences start to happen: slamming doors, knocking on walls, and shadowy figures are just a few of the instances that Jennifer swears to everyone is happening…only problem is, no one is picking up what she’s putting down…how much more patterned can stereotypical horror movie behavior become? I’d almost completely lost faith in everyone’s method of rationalizing with Jennifer’s vehement testimonies until her husband chalked up her latest episode in which a closet door literally exploded in two as “it’s an old house.”…now I’ve both lived and visited some very old estates, and I’m fairly sure in my estimation that no matter how old a building has become, no door of mine or anyone else’s has split in two from an interior detonation.
What starts off as simple noisemaking and restructuring of wooden entryways, quickly manifests into horrifying visions, and physical abuse towards Jennifer, eventually landing her in the hospital and putting the baby’s health at risk. I was at the point of checking out when her own husband and mother began treating her as if she was a broken china doll, and telling her that she was merely stressed from the pregnancy, however I stuck it out and was swiftly kicked in the giblets with the movies conclusion. As I said earlier, just like a crappy old car: slow on start-up, begins to hit its stride in some stretches (aside from a few hiccups), and when the home stretch comes-a-callin’, she lays off the gas and sputters to a complete, dead-stop. The only positive that can be taken away here is the performance of Goss’s character – she’s got the ability to play the scared little lamb, and well as nut up and find her inner Viking, so well done on her end. As for the rest of this mess, I’m usually a sucker for scenery, but there simply isn’t enough to speak of here, with the majority of action taking place in a washed-out house, not even a few dreary, lights-out shots could save this sinking ship.
My advice to those seeking out a good haunted house movie, should skip the one on Pine Street… I hear the owners are ignorant and you’d get more scares looking at the latest pics of Bruce Jenner… yeesh.
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
